Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I’m afraid I’m going to accidentally drop my baby. And then I’m afraid im going to drop my baby on purpose (even though I never would). Every time my mind thinks of her being dropped she dies. Naming this though as anxiety and not reality helps me… but none the less it’s gut wrenching…

That I’m going to die and leave my children motherless and they will have absolutely no idea who I am.

I love when other people hold my baby. I tell them it’s because I get to hold her all day at home… When in reality, I am grateful to have my arms free because I fear I am going to drop her. I am terrified to bath her if I am alone because what if she drowns? The fear is constant. I love my baby. I love her with whole heart. But I am convinced that if something bad happens, it will be because of me.

My husband was out of town and as I was unplugging the Christmas lights, I imagined myself being electrocuted while my kids were asleep in their beds. What would happen to them?! I imagined my baby crying alone in his crib all night and my older child finding me. How would he get help? I was terrified at the thought. The thoughts come and go like a flash- but they are so intense.

Every time my baby coughs or gags or stops making sounds I am immediately think he is choking to death. It makes my whole body seize with fear.

Sometimes as a clinician, I become acutely aware of the burden of knowledge. I saw every unique quality as a sign that he had brain damage, a heart condition, autism, failure to thrive, a skull malformation, allergies, a metabolic disorder… on and on. I would become overwhelmed by the thoughts of everything that could go wrong, and secretly get so upset at his pediatrician for not seeing these concerns.

I could sleep pretty well if my husband or mum was with me but I refused to nap while alone with the baby. I was convinced I would wake up to find she had died of SIDS even though I obsessively followed the safe sleeping guidelines. I took my first nap “alone” when my daughter was 8 weeks old after I went to a support group for women with PND&A and learnt that I wasn’t the only Mum having these kinds of scary thoughts.

Where to even begin? The list seems so long that it may just be easier to blurt them out so here goes; I worry that I’ll fall down the stairs as I carry my baby. I worry that I’ll drop him on accident. I worry one of my pets will accidentally hurt him. I worry about anyone besides my husband and I kissing him and getting him sick. I worry that he isn’t doing well. I worry that we aren’t giving him all that he needs. I worry that this stress will ruin my relationship with my husband and that my crazy mood swings and over all overwhelming sadness will make him leave me. Sometime I just miss the times before the baby. When I didn’t worry as much and didn’t feel like my heart was outside my body… So fragile and out of my control. I miss a simpler time when it was just me. I have always felt so sure of myself and confident. But as a new first time mom I’m full of doubt and fear. My son seems so fragile and I just worry that I’m not enough for him. I’m starting to realize that I really need to go on meds. I can’t live like this anymore. I just want to enjoy my son and my husband without feeling inadequate any longer.

I thought about my killing my children. I picture myself in prison because I murdered both my girls. This horrible intrusive thought has plaqued my mind ever since my second child has been born. To such a point that I’m scared to have anymore kids in case these thoughts intensify.

Sometimes I wish I had a girl baby because maybe my mum would be around more and maybe I wouldn’t feel depressed my little boy is “the kid” that is intense and everyone else’s boys are lovely and I feel like crying when I see little girl clothing because I wish I had a baby girl.

I did not feel depressed and I did not recognize anxiety, so I did not notice my strange thoughts as strange, anxious, or symptomatic for too long.
I kept falling asleep making mental checks of all the electrical I had unplugged or shut off, and then planning, in a sleep-deprived haze, how to get us both out of the house if there was a fire. This went on for nights. These thoughts kept me awake, had me awaken to check and to listen. These thought made my heart beat faster, kept my eyes from shutting, and kept a restless energy under my skin and in my mind which tried in vain to problem solve them.Then, one night, as I followed my plans on how to keep us safe and how to get out of a burning house, my brain brought flames up the stairs trapping us – what if that happened, what would I do?I realized it would be better to drown her than have her burn. I began to imagine drowning her. How I would manage it quickly and with comfort.As I imagined it, I began to feel relief from the intrusive fire thoughts. This made sense. It just began to make sense. I was almost convinced then that it was a matter if time before the house were to burn down and I would have to drown my daughter. I would have to go, too, of course. At an 10 week check up, I mentioned that I was having strange thoughts. I had heard someone call my name the night before; I had yelled out in answer and found no one there. That had me realize that something was going on- something wasn’t quite right.
As I spoke to him, I felt very separate and cut off, like my tiny daughter and I had already left this world, but something within me had enough clarity regarding this voice and the thoughts to mention them.”Sleep deprivation”, he said, “Give it a couple more weeks, come see me if nothing changes.”
That was the wrong answer.

I am currently stuggling with postpartum depression and anxiety. It all hit me when I abruptly stopped Nursing. I had a hormonal crash. It first started with me thinking i was going to die and my son would not have a mother. Then the thoughts spiraled out of control to thinking my mental health would get worse to something more severe like psychosis, schizophrenia, or bipolar and I would be institutionalized and would not be able to take care of my son. I just have thoughts of one day waking up and all of a sudden hearing voices or seeing things. Or just losing my mind and not being able to be there for my son.