Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I am afraid I will never feel like me again. I am mad that physically I will never be the same (literally, I had a failed surgery to go back and address something that didnt heal properly the first time around). I love my husband, but I resent that his life did not change nearly as drastically as mine did, simply due to biology.

The first day I was home from the hospital I kept asking myself "what did I do?" I didn't prepare myself to feel so disconnected from my 2 older children (8 year age gap) I often wished it was just the baby and I and nobody else. Fast forward 3 months later and after returning to work full time I only have a feeling of despair...I always think I may die from cancer. Sometimes i become afraid I'll lose my grip on reality and somehow harm one of them and not remember it. It's my worst fear... I can't stop crying about all of it.

Today while my husband was getting the bath ready with our son, I saw they were doing fine just the two of them. I wanted to walk out the door and never come back.

After a traumatic miscarriage I had horrible anxiety. The intrusive thoughts about my other 2 children started popping up a couple weeks later. I saw their death so many times in my vision and it scared me, it was really like suffering. I thought I was living in hell. Not to mention grieving over my baby who is now gone. I lost sleep over those few weeks and eventually couldn’t sleep at all. I became delusional and did get professional help. I ended up staying in a mental health facility for 2 weeks to help me get back on a foundation where I could go home. Now with medication, psychology, exercise, sleep hygiene, nutrition, my faith in Jesus, I’m knocking out those anxious thoughts left and right. Anxiety doesn’t have a hold on me anymore and I’m putting in the work and effort to better my mental health.

I can’t delete any photos or videos of him even if they are totally blurry and unidentifiable because what if he dies and I deleted the only memories I have of him?

I've been a mother now for over 20 years. I love all my children with every ounce of my being. Yet, I wonder sometimes where I would be in my career if I had not paid the motherhood tax of a combined ten years. At the same time, I am grateful for those ten years. I love my children with my whole being, and yet I was relieved and excited when my oldest got their own apartment. Even 20 something years later, with my youngest being ten years old, I get weary, tired and resentful of the needs, wants and demands they all have. I wonder why I was not sad when my oldest graduated HS, moved out for college, and then moved into an apartment, and wonder if there is something wrong with me, when I see so many other mothers mourning their children's completed childhoods. I strongly suspect that there is not, but I do still question myself and wonder why I am not happier being a mother.

Being a SAHM feels like being an indentured servant. Getting married and having kids was the absolute worst pair of decisions I have ever made. I love my children. But I couldn't possibly hate the situation I put myself in any more than I do now.

I don’t know if it was the wrong move to have a child. Maybe I should have remain childless, our life was good back then. Now, I think about tossing my daughter out the window or just leaving it all behind in the middle of the night. Changing my name and going somewhere else living another life.

I have 2 children and have always been a worrier over everything developing anxiety as a child. I always wanted children. When my eldest was born she came by C section. That first weekend was awful, she cried alot they kept trying to make me breast feed though I wanted to bottle and I didn't know how to express that! Before she was born every one told me that I'd feel this wave of love. I did everything for her bath, nappies etc she wasn't neglected but I didn't feel any emotions towards her I didn't love her and would often think of leaving the house and never returning not caring or leaving her behind. When my husband came home I'd pass her to him and feel relieved I didn't have to deal with her anymore. Family would often take her off me if I felt over whelmed instead of helping so she bonded with them. She never came to me for comfort. She was born for me at 3 when I finally bonded more with her though at currently 6 it's still not perfect and she will always prefer her nanny than me. Her brothers 6 months old and i love him loads but I don't feel like me I've lost all my confidence, we lost our home and live with family, lost my job and it's too much at times. I get up and try every day and those feelings of running away come back often. I often question myself and think it's all my fault. I have support but I also wish I didn't need any and was normal!

My scary thoughts centred around thinking our house would literally fall apart, the bath would go through the ceiling and the washing machine. I also believed I should pack my bags and run away because anyone else would be better than me at raising my children. But I have had alot of help to see that although I have post natal depression and severe anxiety I'm doing the best I can and that I don't need to feel guilty about these thoughts anymore

18 years ago, when I was a new mother, I was riddled with anxiety, fear, confusion, depression. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I was so excited to get pregnant, and had such a wonderful pregnancy - I didn't understand why I was feeling so low. I particularly remember when my baby was about 2 weeks old, a big storm was blowing through and I thought to myself, "Okay, Lord - if you want to take me and this baby away with this storm, I'm perfectly okay with it." The next day, I called my mother and she gently yet firmly asked me to call my OB/GYN for help. I am so grateful I had an OB/GYN who took me seriously and immediately got me the help I needed. Everyone is different, but for me, that help encompassed medication and therapy. The next time I was preparing to have another child, I knew what to expect and worked to get my treatment plan in place. Today, my 18 year old is doing well at college and my other child is doing his best in high school. Forums such as this have helped me learn to let go of the shame/guilt I had over my scary thoughts.

I’ve recently walked into the postpartum rage era. The other day I was driving with both babies (18mths & 5mths) screaming their heads off bc it was past nap time. I was exhausted driving and I know they were too, but my brain kept saying just at the next turn do not turn and fly this car off the edge…