#speakthesecret
Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts
“This thread is amazing. Needs to be turned into a list and handed out to expecting moms by every ob/gyn. They tell women everything under the sun about what to expect for 9 months; why not this?!”
“I think it’s wonderful you’re making this list for new moms. It would have been reassuring for me to know I was ‘normal'”
“Scary Thoughts” is an expression used to encompass any and all categories of upsetting thinking that can interfere with the well-being of a new mother. Scary thoughts refer to negative, repetitive, unwanted and/or intrusive thoughts or images that can bombard you at any time (Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts by Kleiman & Wenzel, 2010). Scary thoughts are anxiety-driven, they are extremely COMMON, and most new mothers admit that have, at some time, imagined or worried about harm coming to their babies. The shame of having these thoughts can prevent women from speaking about them. In response to women telling us they feel isolated and ashamed of their thoughts, we asked women to share their scary thoughts in an attempt to help them express these distressing ruminations, so they can get relief and also help other mothers understand how universal this phenomenon is.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Thoughts of suicide are scary, but they are in a different category from anxiety-driven “scary thoughts” to which we refer on this page. If you are having thoughts of suicide, this should always be taken seriously and we urge you to find someone you trust and let them know how you are feeling.
The objective of our #speakthesecret campaign is to obliterate the stigma attached to scary thoughts which are so common in new motherhood.
Our page is an ongoing list of the thoughts that brave women have chosen to share in the hopes of helping women know they are not alone and that having scary thoughts is common during pregnancy and the postpartum period. We will add thoughts as they are submitted.
DISCLAIMER: This list is anonymous. We do not ask for any identifying information and therefore are unable to contact you. You can contact us at any time if you want to modify or delete your submission. We reserve the right to edit or not include a submission if, for any reason, we feel its content is unsuitable for this forum and are not able to respond to individual clinical or medical concerns. We may decide to create a meme from your words which may be (anonymously) posted on various social media platforms.
Please keep in mind that this forum is not a substitute for professional intervention and submitting your scary thought will NOT give you access to treatment. There is no follow-up after you post. If you are worried about the way you feel, we urge you to contact a support person and a qualified healthcare provider. If you need assistance locating a provider who can help you, please email us at support@postpartumstress.com.
My baby was going to die in the middle of the night and I was going to find her in her crib cold and lifeless.
He was a fertility treatment baby. I was sure I couldn’t conceive and when he came along I had such a hard time (still sometimes do) accepting that I am a mother and that I am supposed to be a mother. I expected to suddenly transform into a patient, selfless, endlessly kind person when I gave birth and when I discovered that those things take time (they don’t magically happen straight away) I fell apart. I was also unable to breastfeed and felt like a complete failure. I was convinced I’d cheated nature and that I wasn’t cut out for being a mother.
ON HIS FIRST WEEK BORN THERE WAS A VOICE IN MY HEAD SCREAMING ALL DAY THIS WORDS ” Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)” ALL DAY, OR EVERYTIME HE WOULD GO TO SLEEP.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ARE SICK AND ASK ME TO HOLD HIM.
I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED AND I HAVE THINK ON DOING THAT TO MY SON AND THEN I THINK ABOUT KILLING MYSELF FOR ONLY THINKING ABOUT THAT.
WHEN I FEED HIM WITH FOOD I FEEL HE IS GOING TO CHOKE.
I HAVE THIS FEAR THAT IF HE DIES AND I WOULD KILL MYSELF. IF SOMETHING EVER HAPPENS TO HIM…I WOULD DIE.
What if my baby didnt breathe when i sleep? This was there until my mom came for my help. And i didnt switch off my room lights for a whole week.
The thought of death put so much fear and anxiety into my world everyday, i would imagion terrible situations resulting im my baby dying, my dying and leaving her mother less or my husband dying. I even used to repeatedlly to wake up countless times a night and frantically look for her in the bed, thinking i had dropped her or smothered her, even though she only ever slept in the cot next to me.
I felt my daughter was a punishment for trying to get pregnant after loosing a baby.I had my son already and I thought that should have been enough. Like I should have never pushed for something that was not meant to be. I felt I was a terrible person. Like I deserved to Die and my children deserved a new mother. She is 3 now and I still have uneasy feelings.
I did not like breastfeeding. It didn’t hurt but it made me nauseous and the sensation of suckling was gross to me. I tolerated pumping more because it was faster. I nursed my baby for 15 months but I didn’t want to. It was for him, his health. To maybe catch some extra sleep By satiating him with a boob. Also I couldn’t afford any alternate like natural formula or donated milk. I hated breastfeeding. I hated the bras, the sweat, the neck ache due to the football hold. About a year after I was done, I had a breast reduction and lift. My breasts are now mine, small and soft.
After being diagnosed with a liver condition and being told I had an increased risk of a stillbirth, I didn’t let myself get attached. I was convinced my baby would die.
My baby was born healthy, but after distancing myself so much during the pregnancy, I barely touched her. PND struck. I’d cry every time she needed me. The fear of becoming attached and losing her was too great.
I am heartily sick to death of changing dirty diapers. I hate having to feed them. Every mealtime is a trial. It wears me to the bone to have to clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, endlessly. The kids aren’t happy to play with the million toys they have. They insist on running away upstairs to tear the books off the shelves in their rooms, or throw their toys all over, or mess up the spare bed, or beg for a bath and throw everything out from under the sink. Or they’re downstairs messing up the DVDs, wreaking movies, throwing more books out of the bookcases. Or on the main floor lifting the covers off the heat registers and hurling toys down them never to be retrieved. Or, if they do touch any of their gagillion toys, it’s to stand the box on end and send them scattering all over the entire floor and leave them there.
I’d walk past knives and imagine picking up the knife and stabbing or cutting my son. I’d see blood on him. So incredibly horrifying. I never intended to cause harm yet these thoughts looped. I’d imagine dropping my son accidentally down the stairs and watch him fall. I made it a few weeks with my secret even with my doula preparing me for this possibility. I spoke my secret to my husband and found great, instant relief in doing so. The thoughts gradually subsided with more support and openness about my experience.
Ever since having my son i find myself often wishing my husband would die because he’s become a burden on me.
I was so relieved when someone else would hold, feed, or be accountable for the baby. I wanted to leave my husband and baby and move away, alone. I was afraid to sleep. My stomach dropped every time she awoke. Every time she cried I wanted to run. Every time she didn’t nap, or wouldn’t settle, I felt like the biggest failure in the world.
♥ THANK YOU ♥
to all the brave women who continue to disclose their scary thoughts.
Together, we will educate many and help reduce the anxiety and stigma. #speakthesecret