Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

Everyone tells me that I need to have another child. That my baby can’t be an only child. And they started telling me this when I was still pregnant. But what they don’t know is that the process of getting pregnant was emotionally painful. Every negative test sent me into a downward spiral that only ended when I slept. My husband told me I wasn’t allowed to take tests anymore because it was so hard for both of us. When we finally got pregnant, I was obsessed with the idea that I would do something wrong and lose the baby. I was terrified that I would mess up and hurt the baby. And then I became high risk because of my blood pressure (probably because I was so stressed), and I felt even worse. I was terrified of having preeclampsia. Everything focused on the possibility that my stress levels would hurt the baby – and that made me stress more. I was put on antidepressants, and that seemed to help, until my baby was born. Every time my baby cried, or didn’t sleep, or acted like a baby, I felt like I was a shitty mom. I felt like my baby would be better off without me. I had to change antidepressants when my baby was 12 months old. He’s 15 months old now, and I still feel like a shitty mom. I don’t think I can do this again. I’m afraid it would destroy me. I love my baby, but I don’t want another. And every time someone tells me that I need another child, that only children are somehow less than kids with siblings, that I’m hurting my baby by not having another child … I just can’t win.

Feeling like I was being physically drained when breastfeeding, like the life was being sucked out of me.
Feeling trapped inbetween my baby sleeping in her crib and my husband sleeping next to me – wanting to get out of there urgently.
Never being able to relax when with my daughter and feeling relief when I wasn’t with her.

When I am so overwhelmed with the suffocating and extreme clinginess of my toddler, thoughts of suicide have become a comfort measure to me since I know there will always be a way out if I need it.

Thinking my friend was the lucky one cos her baby was stillborn. Wishing I could have my baby adopted, if only nobody would hate me for it.
Thinking the only way out of this new mum life would be if I died. Wishing my newborn baby would develop a life threatening disease like meningitis so I could have my old life back.

I feel like anytime I do something for myself and get a sitter, something is going to happen and it will be my fault because I was selfish and doing something without him and I wasn’t there to protect him. It’ll be all my fault because I wasn’t there, or if I was there with him he wouldn’t be where he was when he got hurt. The very thought of losing him is all consuming. At night I want to hold him as long as possible because I never want to say or think I didn’t or don’t hold him enough.

I have scary unwanted sexual thoughts and images in my mind of sexually abusing my daughter or someone else sexually abusing her ( very graphic images ) and these thoughts are very disturbing I feel like crying all day everyday i would never do anything like that.

All kinds of sexual thoughts and images in my mind that make me feel sick in the head I ask myself why am I looking at my daughter like this why am I getting these thoughts ? Am I a pedophile ? Am I a child molestor? Thinking if these thoughts will ever go away and when .. praying repealdly lighting candles and asking god to forgive me praying for the thoughts to go away for them to go away , wanting to tell people and reach out for help but being scared thinking there’s a high chance of her being taken away from me because everyone will think I’m a pedophile or an unfit mother ….get scared that I will get out of control and moleste her or or my other kids in the future being scared to have more kids asking myself if I deserved this baby thinking thoughts like walking away not being around her she’s better off without me but I know all of these thoughts are not true still can’t help but to have them I have a thought when I wake up in the morning immediately and pray for it to go away asking myself why why me ..: Getting scared that I will be sexually attracted to my daughter when older all kinds of scary thoughts that haunt me.

The truth is I never wanted a baby I always hated kids I never wanted any of this. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom I love working. But now I have no choice. When I got pregnant I wanted an abortion but my boyfriend convinced me to keep it. He said he’ll be there for us and we were gunna be okay. So I kept the baby. I had my son I love my son with all of my heart but I ended up with post partum depression the entire first year of my sons life. Everything’s different now and the relationship with my boyfriend is worse. I can’t help but think what if I just got the abortion would I be happy?

When my anxiety started about 5 months after my 4th baby, I prayed it was hormones and would go away on its own. Before long it turned into full blown panic attacks almost everyday, insomnia, lack of appetite, headaches, and horrific intrusive thoughts. Everything and everyone seemed like a threat to my children, including myself. I was so terrified of having a panic attack and fainting while I was alone with the kids or just snapping completely and doing something completely out of character. I couldn’t be alone with my own children. I am feeling so much better now, 5 months later, but I still worry I will never feel 100% like myself again.

Im impatient with my kids when they want too much attention. Sometimes I wish I didnt have children. Secretly Im glad I work full time, I dont know if I could be a stay at home Mom.

Everytime in the car I picture the car smashing into the back of me and crushing my son. I also have a fear when walking with my kids in the grocery cart in the parking lot that someone is going to hit the cart and I can picture the most Gruesome images in my head and it TERRIFES me.

I’m.currently pregnant with baby #2, from husband#2 and I wish every single day that I had gotten an abortion instead of continuing the pregnancy. With my first, I divorced 6 months after she was born from an abusive, manipulative husband. I had no extended family or friends to help with raising an infant, so I don’t look back on that time period as being filled with joy and happiness even though we made it out of that period. Everyone sees me as a strong and good mom, but I hate doing it. I’ve put everyone’s needs before my own and I don’t feel as if my life has any value. I feel as if I just get to make babies, work, and die. I don’t want to bring my second baby home from the hospital. I want to give birth and run away from my life.