Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

Every time I drop my daughter off at daycare and am sitting at a meeting at work I am unable to leave from, I panic imagining that I actually left her in my car and go through a very vivid scenario where I find her dead in the hot car, flash to paramedics taking her body, DCFS getting called on me for being such a bad mother, and then attending my daughters funeral. I only get relief when I get a daycare update of something like a diaper change, and even then I question whether I dropped her off or forgot her.

1. Knives terrified me, I kept thinking what If I kill my baby with that knife. I used to breathe very deeply & focus all my attention to put them into the dishwasher slowly, somehow they felt safer in there. When in the house on my own I would prepare a meal that didn’t involve knives or wait until my partner came home to prepare it so I knew my baby was safe.
2. If I was outside anywhere whatsoever I would be frightened that a dog would come out from nowhere and savage my son. I was terrified just walking down the street & was constantly watching out for dogs or planning what I would do when it came for us.
3. I was terrified of paedophiles snatching my son, if I was in a shop I would obsessively keep my son always in my line of vision so no one could snatch him while I turned away even for a moment. I had played this out so many times & planned how and where I would physically attack them to give us the best chance while I screamed out for help etc.
4. Sleep – everything about sleep scared me to death, I barely slept for a number of reasons after I had him but became so delirious that I would wake my partner repeatedly asking him ‘where’s the baby’ hysterically when I was either holding him or he was in his cot. I was terrified I would lose him in his sleep – either he would stop breathing or he would be stolen or I would forget where I’d put him.
5. The strangest one was an issue I had with chicken. I couldn’t eat chicken for a long time because every time I ate it I thought it was my son. He would always be in the room with us so I would try and get some logic into the situation and stop, look at him and tell myself in my head – this is not your son, you can see him and he’s fine. But I couldn’t eat the chicken. It made my stomach turn.
The above is a taste of my scary thoughts – there were so many I could write a book. I feel that for my first year particularly the first six months I was literally living in fear of me or someone else hurting him. It’s a lot better now he is two years old but the reality is I still have these thoughts from time to time which upsets me and I don’t know what to do about it.
The thoughts did not feel like thoughts – they were played visually in my head – I could see a scene occurring which was vivid in detail, terrible to watch and graphic. It was as if I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder about something that hadn’t actually happened. I felt that I was losing my mind & every single day was very hard. I did seek mental health assistance from a perinatal mental health service we have locally. Although they were good I’m not sure they fully understood how bad I felt – it seemed that they thought I had post natal anxiety & it wasn’t perceived to be that serious. It felt very serious, I contemplated suicide because I felt that I was losing my mind and that my family would be better off without me. The only thing that really stopped me from going further with those thoughts was the risks to my son if I wasn’t there because I knew that only I knew the terrible risks and I had to be there to stop the bad things from happened. It was like a sick twisted vicious circle.

Baby just wouldn’t go to sleep after hours & hours of trying. I was just so tired, frustrated & annoyed at baby that I just wanted to squeeze him so tight just to vent my frustration.

My son is 5 and lately I’ve had nothing but intrusive thoughts of him being molested or secretly sexually abused behind my back. Although I keep him safe with trusted adults, I can’t help but think a teacher or a karate instructor or older kid in his karate class is taking advantage of him. I talk to him about his body and what’s his body boundaries and it’s still not enough for me. I’m scared every day I’m going to get a call from the school that he was sexually assaulted. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he says my son is fine and happy. It’s not even an issue with my son now, I think it’s me. I was never molested as a kid or anything but I know so many people around me that were, how did I get so lucky for that to never happen to me? What if I was saved that maybe it’s going to happen to him?! It eats me alive every day. I over analyze his behaviors everyday.

Every morning I’m scared to open my son’s bedroom door in case he’s dead. I’m never the first to go in. I can’t handle it.

Constantly feel sorry for my son. Like he’s constantly neglected and unhappy. He’s not. But I can’t stop it. It’s so overwhelming.

Sometimes when my baby won’t sleep and I’m exhausted I picture myself throwing her on the bed or throwing her across the room and it just kills me because I know I would never hurt her so why do I have these thoughts and images? There’s times where I envision myself shaking her so she stops crying or just yelling at the top of my lungs…. I can’t help but bawl my eyes out when she finally goes to sleep I just stare at her and think how could I think these horrible thoughts about my daughter? Why? I feel like such a bad mother.

I keep having recurrent dreams of my child in bed with me and everytime I would try and scoop her up into my arms she would sink further into the blankets. I would start to panic trying to grab her, while hitting my husband next to me asking if she had her. It is hard to differentiate if it is real or not upon waking, and takes me a while to calm down.

That I would drown my baby in the bathtub. Put her in the microwave. I’ve thought I am never going to get through this. I have intrusive suicidal thoughts. I question what kind of person am I everyday. I’m constantly in a loop. I’m seeing a psyotherapist and psychiatrist. Hoping for better days!

I’m scared of leaving my baby with anyone, I feel like nobody can care for my baby like I do, so much I barely shower or use the restroom. It’s gotten so bad I don’t want to go back to work with the fear of leaving my baby with someone. I’m scared of going out and being in an accident with my baby in the car, I’m scared of someone taking my baby while we’re at the store, I’m scared of anything and everything. I rather be locked in our room just the both of us

I hate to even type this, but I thought about choking my son when he wouldn’t stop crying uncomfortably, talking to my dr tomorrow, I’m scared of myself at this point.

My scary thoughts have been circling around images of me being violent against my toddler. She is going through a screaming for hours on end phase (at least I hope to god it’s a phase) and it triggers my rage/anxiety so badly. Today I keep thinking, “I think I hate her” and then end up hating myself.