Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I was expecting love at first sight. Instead I felt traumatized by the birth and almost nothing toward the baby. As the days in the hospital went on I felt tension and stress as my baby cried and cried and had trouble feeding. When we got home I started to feel anger and resentment toward the baby who just kept crying and wanting to feed as my breasts became more and more painful though the milk wasn’t flowing. I felt floods of regret as I woke at night, thinking that I would never be able to take care of my own needs again. My body felt completely broken and I found no joy in my new role as a mother. The cloud eventually lifted and I do now find joy in motherhood, but I am reflecting on that painful time as my daughter is about to turn one year old.

I didn’t grow up with nice parents, and didn’t have a lot of love. I am so scared I won’t love my daughter. I struggle so hard to feel that love, and have scary thoughts of just leaving her to cry in her crib all day because I just do not care. It never actually happens, but I feel so sick of being a mom sometimes. I don’t want her to feel the way I felt but I don’t know how to love.

As I’m standing on this sidewalk waiting for the cars to stop at some point a thought in my head appears, what if a car just plowed into me and I died… I wouldn’t of killed myself but someone else did and my kids would hate them and not me. The light changed and I go on my way to pick up my wonderful kids that think mom is perfectly fine.

My 22 month old daughter passed away 4 years ago, Ive had two more kids after that. Everyday I feel like I am going to fail them like I did my first. I think I’m going to wake up to a dead child. I am going to come back from work and something will happen.

It is very hard to enjoy my children. I am a first time mom of twins. PPD has made it almost impossible to enjoy any time around them. I feel like I don’t like them and I would be better off if I wasn’t around them, but then at the same time I feel so guilty that I’m not able to spend great times with them. I feel so jealous of my husband and the great bond he shares with them.

For many years I prayed to have children. I thought I had it all. A beautiful home, a nice car, and a handsome husband that was an excellent provider, but a really bad partner or boyfriend. During my 15 years of marriage, he was rarely around. I wanted children desperately, but after 3 miscarriages and many rounds of infertility treatments it didn’t happen for us. My last 3 years of marriage were the darkest in my life. I was in a very dark place and I didn’t care if I lived or died. My husband wouldn’t even touch me, and I just stopped caring about our marriage. I hate myself and and the constant thoughts in my head. I’m at war with myself everyday.

I’ve been having these horrible thoughts lately that something is really wrong with my child. On the inside, like maybe a tumor or he has a undiagnosed deadly disease or something. No symptoms of anything wrong at all. Just this irrational thought I’ve missed something in his behavior and it’s going to be too late by the time they figure out what’s wrong at the hospital. I constantly catch myself thinking too far into his tantrums and thinking he’s in pain or this is it….

My scary thought is I will die while my husband is at work. And my toddler and baby will end up dead as no one will be around to look after them. No one will know I am dead. And they will be so scared. The thought of my kids alone in a room while I am dead trying to wake me up scares me.

Toward the end of my pregnancy, I kept thinking, and occasionally saying, “everyone I love is going to die, and I’m going to be alone.” It got worse and I would sob because everyone I love is dying.

Sometimes I’m afraid I only like my baby when she is sleeping.

I’m still in the hospital and rape is my BIGGEST fear for myself and my children I had dreams that someone raped my older daughter and now I just had my second daughter, not even a week old and I’m already having images of someone raping her! And all I can hear is her screaming in pain ! I hate this ! It’s crazy cause idk where the hell this is coming from! I want it to stop I pray it stops. Hopefully when I leave the hospital and go home to my family and life it will pass on and go away.

That when I go for a walk with my babies, I’ll accidentally let go somehow and the stroller will roll into traffic or that someone will try to steal them from me to sell into sex trafficking.