Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I had just turned 17 when I had my son. My postpartum depression overwhelmed me for months. I would get so angry at my baby for crying. I was angry that I had to take care of this infant when I still needed to be taken care of. I imagined throwing him across the room or smothering him with his blanket. I didn’t want to do it. Not really. I was horrified by my own thoughts. I never got therapy because my mom didnt believe me.

With my first, I lost myself at the moment she was born. There was no magical feeling. I was simply tired. For months, I suffered the worst and darkest depression of my life. I hated her for changing me, for taking away the best parts of me and the happiest parts of my life. Everything good in my world was gone and I thought I was doomed to live this soulless, empty existence. Through help, support, and the extraordinarily luckiness or having a husband who wouldn’t stop fighting for me when I wouldn’t fight for myself, I got better. I stopped breastfeeding (best thing ever and should not have “but it’s so selfish”-ed myself into continuing for so long), and I accepted that I wasn’t someone who loved the baby stage. When the second one came along, it took all of my strength to ask for the things I knew I needed. I chose not to breastfeed. My husband took the night shift most nights. I went back to work 12 weeks later. I said – OUT LOUD – to EVERYONE – that THIS SUCKS and I do not like babies. But I do like being a mom. Took three years to get there with my first, and she’s an amazing little lady. I know my son will be an awesome little man too – not in spite of my PPD, but because I put my health at the top of the priority list. I spoke my secret to everyone who had ears. And it’s not a secret anymore.

My baby just turned 6 months a couple days ago. I came across an Instagram of a baby that passed at 2 due to AML, a form of leukemia, I can’t stop thinking what if that happens to me. I thought I was over the scary thoughts I can’t with myself at the moment I have woken up my daughter and I can’t stop hugging her and I also now feel like such a bad mom for waking her.

Whenever I drive with my baby I feel like we are going to get into a car accident. It’s not so much a fear but a fact; we WILL get into an accident. I constantly find myself bracing and holding my breath while driving. The scenarios play out in my head until we get to our destination.

Sleep deprived and sore from a third degree tear, I often pictured myself throwing my baby across the room when he wouldn’t stop scream-crying. I also envisioned myself getting into my car without the baby and driving full speed into a wall. I eventually spoke to my doctor and got a prescription for antidepressants. I no longer have these images haunting me.

I’m trying to let baby and dad bond… but baby screams bloody murder when he is held by him. Baby is 4 months old so this is not a new thing for either of them. I keep being told that I need to let them have space to bond and figure it out but it causes so much stress and depression to hear and see it happen. I feel like I’m letting my baby be harmed. But it’s his dad who is a loving awesome guy. I’ve tired to help them along but being close or totally away or coaching dad on what works… I’m so confused and feel helpless in this balance.

I wondered how long can I safely leave the baby unattended before my husband comes home while I kill myself and how could I accomplish this in such a short amount of time.

It was the first night alone with my baby and she wouldn’t stop crying after her bottle. As I held her, trying to soothe her, I also cried along with her. I contemplated packing all her necessities in her diaper bag and in her stroller and dropping her off at the fire station across the street. I was so tired and just wanted her to stop crying. When my husband got home from work I handed her to him and told him that I wanted to give her up, he was furious at me, but he could never understand what I felt that night because he has never been alone with her for over 24 hours running on none or maybe a hour or two if sleep. I feel shame and like a failure when I remember that night. I feel like a loving mother should never have thoughts like it did. I still cry when I think about how I felt that night.

She doesn’t deserve me as a mom. I am so afraid I’m going to fuck her up emotionally like my mother did.

I’m a SAHM because I’m scared of putting my son in anyone’s care. I won’t let him be alone with ANYONE except his Dad..our families dont agree and think we are overprotective and paranoid.

I just knew that my mother-in-law was going to kidnap my infant or try to steal custody. She had a way of obsessively staring at him that still sends chills up my spine. Even to this day(2 years later), I can’t even be in the same room with her or I get visions of her kidnapping my child.

I read about a flash flood that happened and how a mother tried to save her two babies but the flood ripped them away from her. I cannot stop thinking about my two babies and how I could save them. It is stressing me out so much.