Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I couldnt get the image of me cutting my baby’s throat with a kitchen knife out of my head. I saw myself walking while holding a dripping bloody knife. I thought i would end up in a psych home. I didn’t know who i was. The images kept intruding. I couldn’t shake them. After days of crying at the drop of a dime i finally told my husband. Thank God i did. He helped me get to a psychologist and talk through this trauma which helped tremendously. My daughter is now 1 and i am a great mom! Everytime i had that image flash in my head i remembered this Bible verse “The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them…” I pictured God literally hovering over us, wings expanded, protecting my daughter and me.

I’m married, with a 13 month old little girl whom I love very much. But I’ve screamed at her to shut up multiple times when I couldn’t take her whining/crying anymore. It sickens me. I’ve yelled in her face. I’ve thrown her food at the wall when she shoved it away. I’ve thrown her stuffed animal at her while she shrieked in her crib. I’ve never actually hurt her…but my god I’ve pictured it so many times, immediately followed by intense self disgust. I’ve shut off the baby monitor when she cries at night without remembering doing so in the morning. I have a mental list of things I would need to do before committing suicide ie. donating my clothing and personal belongings, writing out instructions for my husband about bill paying, organizing my house…I feel that my daughter knows I’m an unfit mother, that I am fat and unattractive, that I have no skills and she would be better off in the care of my husband’s mother. I imagine dying in an accident or killing myself and my daughter and husband move in with his mother and they have a better life without me.

When my babygirl was a newborn , I had to put her in the stroller to go outside to a doctors , etc. Even in the carseat driving It freaked me out that her head is constantly shaking from even a little movement and she is so fragile that she will have a brain injury and I would never know because its so difficult to examine and find, but that injury will later cause her in life trouble developing in school or some other neurological issue… I used my stroller with her for couple of weeks and I end up returning it and buying very expensive one with shock absorbent features.( still it shaked a little ) But her in the car driving I would seat next to her carseat and hold her head with my hands so it won’t shake so much ….It happened until recently that she is 3.5 month old now and it doesn’t shake that much anymore because she grew….

I’ve been a very depressive person most of my life. Since I was very little I always wanted to die or tried to kill myself but failed many times. At one period of my life I stopped doing that, I was happy for few years until i got badly cheated on, not one person but repeatedly I’ve been used for money and never really received the love I was looking for. In 2017 I met a guy and we fall in love and I got pregnant, btw I’m 30 years old at that time. We decided to get married and had our little girl, I got postpartum depression and also I became very jealous, angry and unhappy. 3 years later I finally getting better but then my husband became depressed, unhappy and said it’s because of me partially. We have been arguing a lot, now my baby is 2 years old. Yesterday my husband told me he is unhappy and we argued a lot, I feel like want to end my life and my baby’s life because I know she will be very broken without me, my husband don’t give her the love I give my daughter. I don’t my baby to suffer in the future. Why I’m thinking like this.

I keep seeing things falling on my new baby or something bad is going to happen to her iff I don’t keep hold of her it’s stopping me sleep she 3 weeks and just keeps getting worse I know I can keep her safe but the thought are horrible.

Once she would not stop screaming and I hit a point where I squeezed her extra tight and yelled SHHH in her ear. I had an overwhelming urge to just throw her down and get her to be quiet. I sobbed for hours holding her after that, I couldn’t believe I got so close to hurting her.

I don’t trust anyone to babysit my baby-even baby’s grandparents.

I can’t stop thinking when I go out with my baby on a walk/errands/etc someone will try to stab, kill or steal my baby.

I’ve always been the hot girl. Growing up in school all the boys wanted me. It sounds vain but they did I was skinny and pretty, conventionally attractive. Now an adult, at work or at the bar I still felt wanted, I was still hot. Fast forward, I get pregnant have my baby get ppd and boom I’m suddenly the most overweight I’ve ever been in my life 50 pounds heavier and it definitely shows. I have diastasis recti so my big mom stomach hangs my breasts hang and with it my self esteem is very low. I feel worthless to my husband who’s Instagram likes are full of thin girls in bikinis. I found myself crying the last time I saw his username in the likes of one of the bikini girls. I look nothing like them. Is it bad to want some validation? To feel wanted? to feel beautiful again? I hope someday I will learn to love my “mom body”

i went almost my whole pregnancy not knowing about it because i never grew up until the last month or two. i knew the last person i had sex with due to how many weeks the doctor said i was. with that being said, i knew my child’s father. and the life he lives is oftentimes scary. i want to tell him but 1 million thoughts pop in my head about what would happen afterwards. would he hurt me or our child? would his family start drama? would someone he’s had problems with in the past take them out on me & my child? and outside of that, i have a hard time with grasping the fact that we will be ok. it’s 2020, a lot of natural disasters are happening, including this coronavirus outbreak. i dont want to leave the house. mothers and their children keep getting killed or going missing. it’s frightening me to simply live at this point when i was never scared of anything before having a child. i want to get help but no one listens. im only 21. life is scary.

I love my baby more than anything, but I miss what my husband and I had before he was born. We haven’t been able to sex since he was born, even though I got an IUD after the delivery I discover it was placed wrong and it hurts me and my husband to have sex. And now I can’t go to the doctors and get checked because of COVID-19 and birth control is not a priority issue. My husband and I have no support now that we’re all sheltering in place. We wanted a baby for so long and now our relationship feels like it’s fighting against the world. I get intrusive thoughts like, do I wish we’d never had a baby? How can I love something so much but want my life before they came back so much, it makes me feel so selfish.

I had a very long and difficult birth, and right after my baby was born, my husband was very protective of him and didn’t want our family to touch him till he was a week old. Baby wasn’t latching and wouldn’t stop crying because he was so hungry, my husband and I were terrified about what we had gotten ourselves into, filled with fear and regret and sadness. 2 days after giving birth my mom was so angry she didn’t get to hold the baby yet, she scolded me over text and said she couldn’t believe I was doing this to her and that she couldn’t stand to speak to me and that my priorities were wrong. My mom and I are really close usually. I felt so devastated and alone. I sobbed for hours until I just went numb and the phrase “I don’t know what to do anymore” just kept playing in my head over and over again. I remember getting a break from thinking “I don’t know what to do anymore” for a second to think “I need to call the police, I need a doctor, I need help, I need someone to come help me I don’t know what’s happening.” I was spiraling out of control, I’ve never felt more unstable in my life than I did the first week home with my newborn.