#speakthesecret
Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts
“This thread is amazing. Needs to be turned into a list and handed out to expecting moms by every ob/gyn. They tell women everything under the sun about what to expect for 9 months; why not this?!”
“I think it’s wonderful you’re making this list for new moms. It would have been reassuring for me to know I was ‘normal'”
“Scary Thoughts” is an expression used to encompass any and all categories of upsetting thinking that can interfere with the well-being of a new mother. Scary thoughts refer to negative, repetitive, unwanted and/or intrusive thoughts or images that can bombard you at any time (Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts by Kleiman & Wenzel, 2010). Scary thoughts are anxiety-driven, they are extremely COMMON, and most new mothers admit that have, at some time, imagined or worried about harm coming to their babies. The shame of having these thoughts can prevent women from speaking about them. In response to women telling us they feel isolated and ashamed of their thoughts, we asked women to share their scary thoughts in an attempt to help them express these distressing ruminations, so they can get relief and also help other mothers understand how universal this phenomenon is.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Thoughts of suicide are scary, but they are in a different category from anxiety-driven “scary thoughts” to which we refer on this page. If you are having thoughts of suicide, this should always be taken seriously and we urge you to find someone you trust and let them know how you are feeling.
The objective of our #speakthesecret campaign is to obliterate the stigma attached to scary thoughts which are so common in new motherhood.
Our page is an ongoing list of the thoughts that brave women have chosen to share in the hopes of helping women know they are not alone and that having scary thoughts is common during pregnancy and the postpartum period. We will add thoughts as they are submitted.
DISCLAIMER: This list is anonymous. We do not ask for any identifying information and therefore are unable to contact you. You can contact us at any time if you want to modify or delete your submission. We reserve the right to edit or not include a submission if, for any reason, we feel its content is unsuitable for this forum and are not able to respond to individual clinical or medical concerns. We may decide to create a meme from your words which may be (anonymously) posted on various social media platforms.
Please keep in mind that this forum is not a substitute for professional intervention and submitting your scary thought will NOT give you access to treatment. There is no follow-up after you post. If you are worried about the way you feel, we urge you to contact a support person and a qualified healthcare provider. If you need assistance locating a provider who can help you, please email us at support@postpartumstress.com.
My baby was going to die in the middle of the night and I was going to find her in her crib cold and lifeless.
In the first week I felt like “ if he dies tonight, i would fine with it”. I immediately knew something was wrong and seeked help. Now 7 months later my biggest fear is him dying. Everything I see is a potential death, multiple times a day…
I don’t know why but I cannot stand hearing my baby cry. Now two years old and I still cannot stand it. the tantrums, the whining. I get so mad I need to step away sometimes. my husband does not understand and I’m sure he thinks I’m an unfit mother he’s mentioned something like that before. I’ve been a stay at home mom since he was born. I had PPD (untreated) pretty bad the first year or so, and I have gotten a lot better on my own but somehow I still can’t stand to hear the crying. I hate it. I get so angry and frustrated. Sometimes I think I AM an unfit mother and sometimes I wonder if ppd ever really goes away?
I always wanted more than one child. But I got pregnant much quicker than expected the second time around and while I love my daughter, I’ve been suffering since being pregnant because of the financial debt we’re now in and can’t find a way out of. I’m always thinking how nice it would be to just have one child and not be stressed out all the time. I hate the person I’ve become because of the stress and strain the debt puts on my marriage.
Reading news articles about murderous parents doing these horrible things to their babies. Or anyone harming children in general. Our little ones are completely defenseless. What thoughts the children must they be thinking. And these horrible thoughts come that these people would do this to my own children. I really dislike my imagination sometimes. I have to avoid reading or hearing news stories like this because I can’t sleep and just get so upset about this. Having OCD and anxiety just makes it worse because it takes a while to get it out of my head.
After having my first child I said ‘absolutely never again.’ Then birth control failed and I got pregnant. I suggested to my partner we could consider termination. He wouldn’t hear of it and I knew further talk of it would risk the relationship. The whole pregnancy I wished for miscarriage so it wouldn’t be my fault. I feel like a monster. Like, on some level my child knows about these thoughts. My life is ruined. My dreams are dying, and I am either stuck with this man forever or the guilt of splitting up. It feels like a lose-lose. I am starting to hate and dread my life.
My son never took to breastfeeding so I have been pumping around the clock to ensure he still gets breastmilk exclusively. I felt so rejected by my own baby that for a period I was worried we brought the wrong baby home from the hospital, despite the fact that he looks exactly like my husband.
My oldest is almost 15. It has taken me all these years to learn about this. The shame and guilt I have carried are tremendous. When she was a newborn, I loved her with a wild abandon as I have never felt before or sense. Such protectiveness and tenderness. And then, 3 or 4 times, out of nowhere, came the TERRIBLE, UNSPEAKABLE RAGE and along with it, the image of throwing her forcibly out of my 2nd story bedroom window, and watching her tiny body smash on the gravel below, dead. It seems like Grace stayed my hands, because I alone could not have. Maybe now I can start to let it go.
I think about leaving her at the hospital or a fire station. I think about getting into accidents all the time. I think about leaving my family. I feel awful.
Sometimes I worry that I’ve lost myself. I love my child with everything in me, but it took me a long time to even like being a mother. I hope I’m doing everything in my power for her to thrive and strive in this world. It doesn’t help that since a had my little one my feelings towards my husband changed too. Many days I hate him and dont want to be in the relationship anymore. I dont know what to do but I stay for her. And more of me is lost in the process…
I wouldn’t mind leaving my baby behind with her worthless father to FINALLY be free from this waste of time and energy… I am wasting away the remaining best years of my life for what? By the time I can get back to MY life I’ll be too old to do half the shit I want to do right now but can’t with this family in my way. I don’t even feel bad for having these thoughts. They get me through every day. Make my dream come true, ANYONE.
Having a baby with someone that doesn’t love me and will never love me is the most heartbreaking thing I’ve experienced. I am so depressed sometimes I wished I could just die.
It’s been almost 5 years and I still have long stretches of time where I hate motherhood. I hate that I have to tell my child 16 times to do something. I hate that when they crawl in my bed at night they sleep sideways, kicking and pushing on me I hate how they refuse to sit still at bedtime and don’t understand why I’m always so tired. I hate that they want to wrestle because it hurts. I truly dislike it. I always end up kicked or hit in the face or nipples and then I’m angry and guilty. I hate that I’m eager for these phases to end because I know I’m not appreciating them and I hate that I’m not better at this. I hate that I hate motherhood after all this time.
♥ THANK YOU ♥
to all the brave women who continue to disclose their scary thoughts.
Together, we will educate many and help reduce the anxiety and stigma. #speakthesecret