Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I was watching my baby sleep and thinking how perfect he was and how lucky I was to have him and how excited I was to watch him grow and learn and my brain had a distant thought of “you hate him” which scared me because I love him with every fiber of my being. I spent the rest of the night crying because why I think that.

I had ppd with my first. We did not plan for another baby any time soon. He is now 16 months and I’m due in 3 months. I already feel a very strong connection to the baby in the womb That I don’t feel like I had with my first, and I fear I’ll love my second more, because he (hopefully) wont come with the trauma my oldest did, and it makes me feel like a garbage mom.

My mom and my mom in law give me extreme anxiety because 1) my mom feels sorry for my mom in law that she cannot see my daughter because of this pandemic so she always thinks of ways she can bring my kid to her; and 2) because my mom in law asked my husband in secret if i can bring our daughter to her one of these days. It’s like they dont fucking get it. I get that they long for their grand kid. But hello?! Anyone can get that damned virus these days from ANYONE. Then if you call them out about it, they fucking give you hell! It’s like they’d rather my kid get the virus just so they can be happy! And i feel so angry and frustrated about it. I dont know how to tell them NO and not feel guilty about it because they will definitely make me feel shitty. 🙁

In the middle of the night, while cuddling my baby and looking in his eyes – I thought he was going to kill me. I realized it was not right, woke up my husband, told him what was happening – he took over nights from then on. My son is now 12 and amazing. I realize the seriousness of what was going on back then and am thankful my partner believed me and stepped up.

With everything that’s going on around the world right now I feel so sad that we created this life to be here and witness, what I fear, is the end of the world.

Our 3rd son is just 8 weeks old. We have a 4 yr old fighting for attention and the middle child in the terrible twos. I yell so much and look at my precious baby’s face and I can’t help but think I’m ruining him already.

Sometimes when I am y stressed and baby is also being fussy and won’t stop crying, I withheld the urge to scream and bad. I m scared that I would hurt her by accident when I m being restless and hash when I am angry.

Every now and then I feel totally swallowed with fear that I will disappoint and humiliate my daughter. I’m afraid I will end up like my mother. I look in the mirror and see how overweight I have become, like her. I think of the mental health issues I have, like her. I question my work ethic, like hers. The fear of being like her is like a bee that buzzes in my head and I’m so afraid of being stung. I’m so afraid of letting my little girl down. I deserved better. She deserves better. My mom deserved better but she didn’t break the cycle and now I feel like it’s on me. I’m afraid of failing her.

I am almost two months postpartum with my first baby… I’ve had VERY instrusive scary thoughts. I love my baby so much and in a right state of mind I’d never ever think of these things. I always feel like I’ll lean over a staircase and drop her. Or I’ll get the weird urge to cover her nostrils (not to kill her) but to get a reaction. I hate that one so much. Like why is my mind thinking these things when I would NEVER want to hurt my baby girl.

I have constant anxiety and guilt surrounding corona virus and the best choice to make to protect my baby while also maintaining my own mental health. My son is almost 2 months old and we have been isolated from everyone except my husband since he was 1 week old. This means my baby has not gotten to meet his uncles yet and has only met his grandparents once. It also means we have had no help. No one stopping in to help clean up, Or drop off a meal, or watch the baby for a few minutes while I grab a quick nap or take a shower, My husband is being as helpful as possible but he is considered “essential personnel” and is at work everyday. I have been managing okay but the longer and longer we are forced to isolate the more I feel the anxiety and depression creeping in. I want more than anything to take all measures possible to protect my baby from this virus but as someone with a history of mental illness I am so fearful that I am falling into a depression that I will not easily be able to pull myself out of. I’d like to go stay with my parents and siblings for a few weeks but the anxiety that going there and putting my child around more people could result in him getting sick is so high. The choice whether to stick it out and isolate for yet another long month and risk my mental health or go stay with family and possibly risk my child’s health is constantly on my mind. I’m loving being a mom and watching my son grow everyday but it’s hard to do it alone. I never imagined I would feel so alone during a time that I expected to have so much love and support.

I still worry everyday that not breastfeeding my son will cause him harm. I am afraid he will suffer because of me. I am afraid he will die without antibodies from me or become a strain on our healthcare system because he had formula, just like a lactation specialist told me when he was four days old. Logically, I know these things aren’t true and formula is a miracle of science that saved my sons life, so why do I feel so scared and ashamed of myself?

My second baby just turned 3 months both are close in age. With this pandemic I have no time to myself and feel trapped, lonely and overwhelmed to be alone with the kids while the partner is an essential worker and always gone. I have so much stress, anxiety and built up anger about it. I worry I might have late postpartum depression. I had PPD for my first baby and this time around worked so hard to self care to avoid it but now it feels like it’s catching up ans I’m starting to drown. I don’t know what to do. Wish I wasn’t so alone.