Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

my baby is two years old now and I have been struggling with PPD since he was born. I am a lot better now, it’s easier. I look through his baby pictures and cry. I’m not only sad that he’s getting older but I regret not enjoying the best time of motherhood having a new baby. I didn’t enjoy it. I was so wrapped up in the new negative experience that I personally went through with depression that I don’t feel I really enjoyed my son and I hate myself for it. I feel like such a bad mother. All I can do is be there for him now.

I feel that my baby is torturing me a lot

My little princess is 11 months old, since she was 3 months old i started getting anxious at every little thing around me. Driving with her in the car i would convince myself something bad would happen, lying awake till all hours at night thinking someone was coming to kidnap her from me, thinking if we go on a holiday the plane will crash, when shes older she will get cancer and die, thinking that i would die and what will happen to her! These thoughts are a constant invasion of my mind and most nights i have cried at least once with panic, fear, worry and just heartache at the thought. yet i cant stop the thoughts from happening. Its took the fun from everything brcause all i do is worry, what if we bring her swimming and she drowns, what if i bring her to a playground and she falls hits her head and dies, what if she goes to the cinema and theres a fire and she cant get out. Ive accepted that its my life for now but hopefully it eases.

My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 8 months pregnant with twins. She died soon after they were born. I was so anxious about grieving around my twins and it having a negative impact on them that I bottled it all up. I eventually began to resent my babies for this.

I had thoughts of getting in the car, driving away and never coming back. On bad days I would sit in the garden and pick which branch of next doors tree I would hang myself off.

I want my life back… before we had kids. I hate my body. Women say “You should love your body. It created life.” But I don’t. Sometimes I think about leaving my kids and my husband I’m the middle of the night and never coming back… but at the same time I don’t know what I would do without them. I just want to be me again.

I didn’t know ppd can last for years. My daughter just turned 4 and every day is a struggle. I love her death, but I hate being a mom. I miss my life when it was quiet, when I could go to the bathroom by myself and wash my hands without having to let a screaming kid flush the toilet for me, and having to wait for her to wash her hands too, and then wait for her to turn off the light, because if I do it there will be tears for 30 minutes. I miss eating alone and not having to share my plate. I miss being able to just get in the car and go somewhere. I hate being a mom. If I could have a do over, I wouldn’t have done it.

I can’t go anywhere alone with my kids anymore. Someone will take them. Someone will grab the baby when I’m busy with the older two and he will be gone forever. Someone is going to steal my girls and hurt them. I don’t remember the last time I went in public and didn’t go over every possible scenario in my head of things that could go wrong… what I would do. I wish I could be normal again. But someone is going to take my kids…

I’m afraid I’m gonna hurt my baby like my mother hurt me. I’m not even pregnant but I keep having horrible thoughts and dreams about me being pregnant and me harming it then whenever I go for it after I have it I harm it. I’m scared IDK why I keep having these horrible horrible thoughts and dreams, is keeping me from wanting to even be a parent any more. I’m scared with the thoughts and dreams I keep having that I’ll be a terrible parent. I don’t know what to do. I’m ashamed that if anybody finds out I’ll be stuck in a psych ward. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Because of these dreams I been having for a few years I feel like I can’t trust myself alone with children now like I feel awkward about it. Having these thoughts and dreams is really hurt my ego around children. And it didn’t start until a year ago. it didn’t fully start until I actively started trying to have a child. And the thought of how my mother treated me made me fear how I would be as a parent you made me question my ability as a parent and now I think I don’t even want children because I don’t trust myself I fear for the worse. I’m absolutely petrified because of the dreams and thoughts that keep reoccurring every night.

I’ve been losing my patience with my child. I find that ever since my breakup with his father, I’m being mean to my baby boy. He’s only 9 months old, he can’t help it that he is clingy, cranky, and restless… but still, I get angry with him. I scream more. I don’t feel bad. I’m on the verge of just giving his father full custody since he says my job as a stay at home mom is so easy and I’m not depressed, “it’s all in my head.” I feel like if I keep going like this, I’m going to resent my child and really leave him behind.

I’m a single mother and since my toddler was born I’ve have a fear that I’ll die and he will be left screaming and distraught for ages or come to harm until someone checks my home. This fear would mainly come at night and would cause me to over analyze every ache, pain or sensation I had in my body and cause my anxiety to make me believe I was going to have a heartattack or aneurysm.

I cannot stop obessing about getting sick and my baby getting sick. My partner is an essential worker. So every day I worry that he will come home sick or make me sick. Sometimes I forget and feel so good with my baby. But soon I am reminded that there is so much to worry about. All the time. I don’t know how to stop my brain.