Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

After being up in the middle of the night for 2 straight hours, I wanted to hit my baby so she would shut up. I love her and in the light of day I would never dream of hurting her like that.

My amazing dad died suddenly when my baby was 5 weeks old. He hadn’t met her because of the virus, which was his choice, but I feel so incredibly sad and guilty. I can’t stop crying and I worry that my grief is affecting her. And I can’t stop worrying about other people dying… me, my mom, my husband, my baby. It feels like nothing will ever be right again.

I have thoughts of dying before my baby is old enough to remember who I am. Dying from a car accident, cancer, coronavirus…anything. I become crippled if I think of suddenly dying and he grows up and has no idea who I am and how much I loved him. I fear that no one can care for him the way I do. That he would be neglected or mistreated and I am not there to protect him. I fear that if I am no longer here, that no one would be willing to risk their life to save his, like I would. I fear that he won’t ever know or remember that his mom loved him deeply. I never wanted to die before being a mother…but not Im terrified of death and leaving him behind. I want to cry just thinking about it!

I hate breastfeeding. I don’t feel bonded by the act. Instead I feel trapped by my baby. My husband and friends are anti formula. I secretly hope that when baby goes to daycare, I’ll be unable to pump enough milk. Then we can switch to formula and I won’t have to admit that I’m a selfish quitter.

I hate being pregnant! Everyone tells me I should be glowing and feeling grateful, but they don’t understand the stress and isolation of being the sole responsible for a life. I love my kid and I am looking forward to meeting my baby but I can’t stand being pregnant. From the start, the hyperemesis, the spotting, cramping, all to the stretch marks, rashes, back and hip pain, it’s just too much. Not even considering all the guilt I feel for not bonding enough because I have a toddler to take care of that consumes my time.

I keep picturing him getting dropped on the ground and his skull splitting open and it make some not want to go to sleep or let someone else watch him.

I’m afraid I’m gonna hurt my baby like my mother hurt me. I’m not even pregnant but I keep having horrible thoughts and dreams about me being pregnant and me harming it then whenever I go for it after I have it I harm it. I’m scared IDK why I keep having these horrible horrible thoughts and dreams, is keeping me from wanting to even be a parent any more. I’m scared with the thoughts and dreams I keep having then I’ll be a terrible parent. I don’t know what to do. I’m ashamed that if anybody finds out I’ll be stuck in a psych ward. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. If anybody has any answers you be greatly appreciated?

I can’t do this anymore. 100% of my time goes to a baby. He cries, scream, never sleeps and has just 4 months. I will never back to work. By now, no hopes.

Since yesterday I’ve been having these scary thoughts of me or my baby dying at birth, my due date is in 3months. I’m so stressed and emotional and really very scared. And I have no one to talk to about my thoughts

I wanted a in water home birth, with a midwife and a doula. I wanted low lighting, pretty affirmations on the wall, the scent of roses consuming the room, my partner holding my hand every step of the labor process and my favorite songs playing in the background of my screams. I wanted my birth story to be my idea of perfect. During my second trimester I told everyone in my family that I wanted a in home water birth. I received only bad opinions from all the women, about not seeking a hospital to have my baby. My mother, had no faith in me from the start…I consumed those negative thoughts even though I fought against them in person about what I wanted… I started second guessing myself. Here I am my contractions start rolling in 1 hour intervals, then 30 minutes, 10 minutes… the pain was terrible… as my partner is calling the midwife, she canceled on us because she had “something else” to do, which was a BIG let down. My doula, came through though and helped us. After an entire day of laboring, I decided to go to the hospital. Which made me feel like a failure and that everyone who warned me against home birth was right. We get to the hospital and I immediately felt unsafe. I felt like they were going to go against my will about my baby and what I wanted. I end up getting a c-section, felt even more like a failure because I couldn’t deliver vaginally like a woman was made for. My partner tried to ease my sadness but no one can heal the wounds of plan going completely opposite than what was planned. 3 months later, I have a beautiful baby who looks me in the eyes while breastfeeding and I feel like a superwoman, I carried my baby for 9 months that is strength enough! I’m just weary about my c-section interfering with my 6 other children I would like to have vaginally…

my baby is two years old now and I have been struggling with PPD since he was born. I am a lot better now, it’s easier. I look through his baby pictures and cry. I’m not only sad that he’s getting older but I regret not enjoying the best time of motherhood having a new baby. I didn’t enjoy it. I was so wrapped up in the new negative experience that I personally went through with depression that I don’t feel I really enjoyed my son and I hate myself for it. I feel like such a bad mother. All I can do is be there for him now.

I feel that my baby is torturing me a lot