Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

My anxiety often manifests as rage and I get so angry. My girls have done nothing wrong but I get anxious, then shout in rage and am terrified that my babies will be adults with issues like myself because I can’t be more balanced for them. I will be the reason they suffer, it will all be my fault.

Before having my daughter, I knew very little about pp. I had been diagnosed as a young teen with anxiety, depression, SAD, PTSD and more recently bipolar. I don’t take anything and haven’t seen a therapist since my last one moved to another state about 9 years ago. My daughter was my miracle baby. We tried 3 1/2 years and were blessed with the sweetest baby girl. She was born at 35 weeks and weighed just 4lbs. Before her arrival, it seemed there was lots of support and excitement and then after about 2 weeks, everyone disappeared…. This was my first pregnancy and I don’t have friends or close family so it was really difficult in the beginning. I was a new mom to a premature baby with no experience and no support to guide me in any “right” direction. I missed out on breastfeeding my first baby because of how badly I was treated at the hospital due to being discriminated. I was lost and needed someone, any one at that point to just tell me I was doing an ok job. My daughters birth into this world was a bit traumatic for me and since day one, it has just been her and I. She’s 8 months old now and some days feel like I’ve traveled back in time to the unbearable first 2 weeks she was home. I have loved every minute of taking care of my daughter but I have not loved of every minute of being a new mother. My partner is around but he’s gone 12+ hours a day and gets home after we’re asleep. Some days I wonder if there’s other women as alone as me. I try to keep it together every day for this amazing blessing I brought into this world but with the combination of pp and all my other metal illnesses, it’s really f*cking hard. If you know a new mama, please call her and just tell her you love her and know she’s doing the best she can especially during these tough time we’re looking facing. I wish my family and partner understood or at least heard my calls, some days all I really need is a silent hug.

I don’t have overwhelming love for my son. It hurts my soul, what kind of mother feels this way?

I love my daughter more than anything, but my anxiety has been so bad lately that I feel like I’m being tortured from the inside out. When I feel that way, I sometimes think I made a mistake having her and that my life is ruined.

I’m constantly suicidal, but I put on a fake face and try to keep it that way because I know i have a mouth to feed. My sons dad left me for a man while I was 6months pregnant and he told me he hoped I relapsed on herion because I could never offer a child what they need.

I’m constantly suicidal, but I put on a fake face and try to keep it that way because I know i have a mouth to feed. My sons dad left me for a man while I was 6months pregnant and he told me he hoped I relapsed on herion because I could never offer a child what they need.

Fostercare

I have a 10 month old and almost 5 year old child. I sometimes lose my anger and scream at them When they yell and misbehave, they fight so often and don’t listen To me. I sometimes think about the time j wants mom and miss it terribly. But i wouldnt go back.

I love my son. He’s a happy, highly active, inquisitive 6 year old. We escaped his biological father almost 2 years ago. It was bad. My son is in counseling and doing well. I failed him by not leaving sooner. I tried, so many times but no one believed me about how bad it was. My ex wasn’t physically abusive to our son but he sexually, psychologically, and economically abused me in front of our son and his older kids. I wake up most days just wishing I didn’t. But if I die, my son’s bio could try to get custody even though he’s made it clear he’d kill him.

When I am ill or in pain I feel like an inconvenience because someone has to look after me and my baby. My partner is allowed to be ill or in pain without anyone resenting it – because he doesn’t have the lions share of baby care and household chores.

I keep thinking about ways to kill myself but can’t bear the thought of my son being raised by my husband and calling another mom.

Even though my son is now two. The guilt and shame I feel for how I raised him when he was little is real. I struggled, I needed help, and only my husband saw it. It took me six months to find help. My son was one the anxiety I feel over what I caused him is real. I think about it every day but now I move forward. I wanted him gone, I regretted having him, and so I ignored my precious baby boy. He still prefers dade to mome but we are making progress and that is success.