Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

That my 4 year old will accidentally kill my 4 month old by playing too rough while she’s lying in her pack n play or sitting in her activity chair. And afterwards never being able to forgive her even though I know she’d never do anything to hurt her sister on purpose.

I keep thinking that if I tell my partner or anyone that I’m hurting so much and have been thinking about hurting myself or running away, that someone will come and take away my baby. So I hide my feelings for fear that I’ll be exposed as a bad mom and be left with nothing. Right now the only thing that is keeping me going is my little one, I love her so much but am so scared of myself.

Who will look after my babies if I died whilst they were so little. I have big dreams for them and I know their dad and our families wouldn’t have the potential to see it through.

Sometimes I think that if my baby would die from an illness that I would feel relief and I could go back to my old life.

What if I get distracted or daydream and my baby drowns in the bath.

After my first child was born, I remember holding him in his second floor bedroom in the middle of the night while he cried for what seemed like forever. I had this image of myself throwing him out the window and him hitting the driveway below. (It terrified me because I would never hurt him).

Now with my second baby at home, I keep having repeated visions of dropping him on the floor. I also find myself constantly worrying about something being “wrong” with him, like a flat head or a fever or just any little thing. The anxiety is constant.

I’m scared that someone will steal my baby and I also constantly check on her when she’s asleep just to make sure she is breathing.

I had sever OCD during pregnancy, and although the OCD had always been there, it was extremely exacerbated by pregnancy hormones. I feared EVERYTHING. I became a germaphobe and used to take hours to make a sandwich, ensuring I didn’t do anything unhygienic that would end up killing my baby. Even writing this makes me fear that I’ve set something in motion. I googled every possible pregnancy complication and was certain I would experience them and could not relax until I had a live healthy baby. I felt huge relief once she was born and the hormones calmed down, however the anxiety was always underlying – SIDS, illnesses, vaccinations, then as she gets older, it’s more about kidnappings, pedophiles etc, as well as getting seriously ill from touching dirt. I also get intrusive thoughts when sleep deprived and if she wakes up in the night (which is now rare), such as being violent. Thankfully because I am well versed in how OCD works, I can rest assured that i know these are only thoughts driven by anxiety and stress/fatigue and I would NEVER do such a thing.

I feel invisible. Nobody cares about me anymore, they only care about my child. It sounds selfish I know. I’m glad my child is loved and paid attention too, but man I want to be seen and heard to! Too often at these events I find myself questioning if every one would even miss me if I was gone. As soon as I start feeling confident again, I go to someone’s house and the feelings come back like a flood. What if they would be better off without me?

My anxiety often manifests as rage and I get so angry. My girls have done nothing wrong but I get anxious, then shout in rage and am terrified that my babies will be adults with issues like myself because I can’t be more balanced for them. I will be the reason they suffer, it will all be my fault.

Before having my daughter, I knew very little about pp. I had been diagnosed as a young teen with anxiety, depression, SAD, PTSD and more recently bipolar. I don’t take anything and haven’t seen a therapist since my last one moved to another state about 9 years ago. My daughter was my miracle baby. We tried 3 1/2 years and were blessed with the sweetest baby girl. She was born at 35 weeks and weighed just 4lbs. Before her arrival, it seemed there was lots of support and excitement and then after about 2 weeks, everyone disappeared…. This was my first pregnancy and I don’t have friends or close family so it was really difficult in the beginning. I was a new mom to a premature baby with no experience and no support to guide me in any “right” direction. I missed out on breastfeeding my first baby because of how badly I was treated at the hospital due to being discriminated. I was lost and needed someone, any one at that point to just tell me I was doing an ok job. My daughters birth into this world was a bit traumatic for me and since day one, it has just been her and I. She’s 8 months old now and some days feel like I’ve traveled back in time to the unbearable first 2 weeks she was home. I have loved every minute of taking care of my daughter but I have not loved of every minute of being a new mother. My partner is around but he’s gone 12+ hours a day and gets home after we’re asleep. Some days I wonder if there’s other women as alone as me. I try to keep it together every day for this amazing blessing I brought into this world but with the combination of pp and all my other metal illnesses, it’s really f*cking hard. If you know a new mama, please call her and just tell her you love her and know she’s doing the best she can especially during these tough time we’re looking facing. I wish my family and partner understood or at least heard my calls, some days all I really need is a silent hug.