Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I had a great pregnancy -no morning sickness. When she was born, she cried for almost an hour. The doctors checked her but nothing was wrong. She is not a very good nurser or sleeper. During the day, she only naps if I’m holding her or in her carrier. I feel like her hostage. I don’t know what I did to make her so unhappy. Being her mom makes me sad sometimes. If I would have known that I would have the “difficult baby”, I probably would’ve waited longer to have kids.

One day I kept hearing her voice in my mind crying soo much and screaming and imagining her alone and suffering till something bad happens to her and no one is hearing her. I felt her pain of being alone and hopless.

With my first child I got severe post natal anxiety, which then led to agoraphobia and went through hell and back trying to over come it. I finally am medication free for a year now, have a full time job and my son is now 4 . My partner and I decided it was time to have another baby and I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with our second son. Little did I know COVID-19 would hit I’d be stuck in the house for weeks and weeks on end ( my trigger) and I’m now back to having intrusive thoughts about dying CONSTANTLY. Dying from anything and everything , all I have on my mind is death and leaving my little boy with out his mummy and its heart breaking I will literally sit there and sob for hours at the thought of leaving him. Which in turn is making me regret getting pregnant and resent the baby slightly. Its swings and round abouts one minute I’m so happy I’m pregnant feeling the Joy’s of his little feet kicking and the next minute death is in my thoughts and leaving my 4 year old and I’m wishing I was not pregnant. I am also gutted I feel myself majorly relapsing after all the hard work I put in with my anxiety , which once again makes me wish I wasn’t pregnant. I feel horrible and ungrateful and undeserving of this baby.

Hi I have recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy he is now 6 months old. But I have recently started feeling really depressed and having horrible thought about me and sometimes my son like we are going to fall down the stairs when I’m carrying him and stuff all different types of things going through my head. It’s really scary but I know there is so many mums out there going through the same and we can all help each other.

I will always tell her that there is no monster in the closet nor under the bed nor in the dark. Cause the monster is the one that feeds her, changes her nappie and brushes her hair. I will always tell her when she gets old enough to leave that she should. Far away and never look back. I will always tell her to be stronger than me so she can defend herself.

Now that baby dad n i moved apart because he liked to pleasure himself 95% of the time without me and with the internet, 4 am, b4 i got home from work with the baby next to him..so sad. At home he did nothing but relax by smoking pot and who knows what other dope, right next to the baby…he wants baby on his nights off work and i cant help but freak out that hes getn baby high and doing molestation stuff on the internet. He says baby isnt worth the drive for day visits and we are not welcome where he stays an hour away. I cant believe this guy i fell in love with turned out like this! Im sure he thinks the same of me.

I have been molested 3 different times as a child, and raped once as a teenager. I never told anyone and lived with it for years in the dark not knowing it was wrong. Until I had my son 2 years ago, everything came out. Diagnosed with PPD/PPA turned into Bipolar D&A….I constantly have Horrible thoughts asking myself if Ill turn into a sexual predator?? Will someone I trust molest my son if I’m not around?? And to Be careful don’t touch him inappropriately down there when whipping or taking him a bath!

It took me months to admit I have PPD, my son is 8 months old. I was afraid to be left alone with him. I had thoughts of hurting him, I had thoughts of abandoning him, I love him so much, we tried for 4 years to get a baby… one thing I wish people warned me about was how fucking hard it is. Especially when your husband doesn’t help out. I resent my husband.. now that my son is older things are starting to get easier. But those thoughts linger in the background sometimes… will it ever really go away?

What if I don’t get up and check on a sound I heard and something was wrong? I’ll find them in the morning and realize I could have saved their life.

As difficult as this is to write, I have had 3 children. My first born, and then my second son was stillborn at 36 weeks, my daughter, who was born after him gives me an immense amount of anxiety daily. From her early days I had a very difficult time taking care of her or my son due to be so depressed. I had thoughts of wanting to throw her in a trash can because I could not handle the cries at night or how it made me feel mentally. Still to this day, when she cries I grow anxious inside. She was 9 months before I bathed her alone for the first time due to being so scared she would die. She’s now 10 months, My family makes fun of me cutting up her food so small, but what they don’t understand is that I have legitimate thoughts of her choking and dying. I’ve come so far but still to this day I am so overwhelmed taking care of my own children: which often is so horrifying or embarrassing for me to admit. Even things like driving in the car, just to places in town, have recently given me such anxiety because I fear we will die in an accident. If my husband isn’t home or leaves for more than an hour or two I worry if I will be able to do it alone. I sometimes call him screaming or crying because I just don’t think I can take care of them a minute longer. I wish I could be okay; but I’m not fully there right now. I know I’m moving in the right direction but it takes time and I have days where I regress. I don’t know if my husband or family will ever fully understand. I am lucky my husband steps up the plate everyday to fill the voids I’m not capable of giving our family right now. I’m strong and know I’ll be where I need to be someday and hopefully soon. I won’t ever stop fighting for my mental health or my family.

I’m so afraid someone is going to sexually abuse my daughter. Of my scariest thoughts this is the most frequent one. Sometimes when I think it I begin to cry. My husband will ask what’s wrong but I’m afraid to share with him what is on my mind.

Worrying that my husband will get into a car wreck with both girls and I’ll be alone in a house full of their stuff. I can see myself walking through the house, looking at the clothes they had just worn the day before, opening the refrigerator and seeing my youngests unfinished bottle. Having to pump just a little bit to relieve pain from engorgement, having to donate my frozen milk.