Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I’m sorry I screamed when you started crying in the car. I just can’t handle your outbursts sometimes. I am so scared that you’ll end up like me… with a bad temper. I hate that I scare you when I have my own outbursts. I know that screaming when you scream doesn’t help anything. But sometimes it feels better when I do.

Every time I go to get my baby up from her nap I pray that she’s still alive.

Im scared to let my husband clean our daughter because of my past sexual abuse trauma, even though he’s a good person.

I keep thinking that I only have to make one bad decision and he’ll be dead. It only takes one mistake. Like when I’m in bed finally drifting off to sleep and he makes a normal noise on the crib, like he always does, but I’m scared that if I don’t get up to check this might be the time that the noise is actually not normal. That it might be the time he’s choking or suffocating and if I make that one bad decision not to get up and look he’ll be dead in the morning and I won’t get any more decisions to make for my little boy.

That i can never leave my two kids for an overnight stay or trip away because nobody can or will do everything that I do and that they won’t be ok if I’m gone.

That one day when my baby grows up she will feel about me the way I do about my mom–who was an alcoholic with really bad anxiety, anger and depression–even though I know logically I am a totally different person and parent. I don’t really speak to my mom much and only visit about once a year and I am afraid my kids will somehow have that distance with me one day.
I had two horrible birth experiences with both my daughters. The first was an emergency c section after a long unproductive labor. The pregnancy was a “surprise”, I wanted a natural birth, and it felt like even this one aspect I was trying to control or be excited about or make fit to my expectations or hopes was such a failure. I struggled getting her to latch and to breastfeed after. She was a Christmas baby and there were lots of family coming in and out and I just wanted them gone. I was in so much pain afterwards and on pain medicine for 10 weeks, which I think affected my mental health looking back. By 3-4 months post partum I was having suicidal thoughts. I just really felt like I was such a burden and they would be better off without me. I think sometimes I feel angry that nobody around me did anything even though they saw how I was struggling. At my post partum appointments I told them I was experiencing anxiety and depression and they didn’t recommend anything. My doctor said “don’t worry–you’ll be in a bikini in no time!” I looked down and didn’t even recognize my own stomach. Because of my daughters position by the end of labor, my scar was really lopsided and definitely not below a bikini line. When she got to about 8 or 9 months old I started to realize she needed a mom who could laugh, who could take her on playdates. I was taking good physical care of her, doing everything I could, but I was lacking in any joy. I found a therapist and later got on medication. I was pregnant again when she was 13 months old.
I wanted to try to have a VBAC and found a different doctor. Long story short, my uterus ruptured during my second labor, which was over 30 hours long. It was the most excruciating physical pain I have ever been in when it happened. I kept telling the nurse, something is wrong, there is pain between contractions, and nobody would listen to me. It’s been 18 months and I feel like I am still recovering. A lot of my friends are pregnant with their third baby. I would love to have a third baby but I just feel paralyzed by fear. It’s like there is something wrong with my body and childbirth. I know I would have to have a scheduled c section, probably at 37 weeks. I am scared of having a NICU baby again. But even more I have these visions of going into labor at home prematurely, home alone with my kids, and bleeding out.

My partner took the baby in the car without me for the first time and as exhausted as I was I almost just went with them even though I needed a break because I was worried they would get in a car crash and die.

Let me start with I love my now 10 month old daughter more than anything in this world. However it didn’t always seem that way. I found out I was pregnant while we were literally homeless after Hurricane Michael in 2018. It was unplanned, I was terrified and I had a really tough time with my pregnancy. It wasn’t hard, i just wasn’t feeling connected to being pregnant. I didn’t bond with my bump nor did I have that overwhelming in love feeling when I first saw my daughter when she was born. And I didn’t have that feeling until she was about 2 months old. Through time, lots of help from family, counseling and antidepressants I finally felt right again.
But now I’m so scared to have another baby. It’s not high on my list right now anyway but I’m scared to have a good experience the second time. I’m worried it will make it seem like I love my firstborn less if I’m happier and do all the things I wanted to do while I was pregnant the first time around. And with this feeling comes immense shame when I see other moms having multiple babies, close in age, and don’t seem to be struggling in the least.

My dad died when I was 4 months pregnant and I was still in the depths of grieving when my son was born. I used to think “if something happens to my baby, I’ll just kill myself” because I couldn’t bear to think about losing him too. I genuinely found this comforting at the time.

I spent most of my waking minutes silently thinking, “I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.”

I am worried that my depression and anxiety will ruin my daughter’s childhood. I have attempted meds but they make me feel worse physically and mentally and because of my anxiety about taking meds I am afraid to try more. What if I pass out or get sick from the new medication and can’t take care of my baby? I have no one else here. It’s such a catch 22 because I want to feel better but my anxiety is evil and just keeps getting in the way. And my depression keeps me weighted down when I want her to experience so much in life.

I did not fall in love with my baby the second he was born. I do not feel like I can say it because people may consider me a bad mother or a person with no feelings… I was happy to see him and glad that my long labor was over and I do love him now. However I cannot say that the minute I saw him I was feeling euphoric like you hear other women saying that it was the best moment of their lives. Now, I feel like he is someone I will love unconditionally for the rest of my life.