Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

What if someone takes my baby from me and throws her in a body of water and holds me back from saving her? What if I crash into a body of water and I can’t get her out of her carseat?

I never had suicidal thoughts but I fantasized about leaving my husband and kids and disappearing somewhere far away. I honestly thought they would be better off without me.

We stayed in a vacation house with my in-laws. The house was built on a hill and had windows near the floor that overlooked a patio far below. If the widows were open I was paranoid my kids would fall through so I kept them closed despite the heat. If I wasn’t in the room, I was paranoid someone else had opened the windows without keeping a close eye on the kids and they would fall. No one else seemed very concerned, which made me even more terrified that they would carelessly open a window and my baby would crawl right out.

What if I’m giving her a bath while home alone and something happens to me and she’s left in the tub all alone, wiggles off her tub, and drowns? What if I’m eating something and start choking and die and she’s on the couch/somewhere high,rolls off and gets severely injured and no one finds her for hours? What if while I’m standing next to a railing she wiggles and falls out of my arms from a couple stories up?

I keep seeing images of myself throwing my crying baby against the wall.

I have had visions of sexual things happening to my daughter or to other children. I was terrified that these thoughts were/are a sign that I’m a pedophile, and it caused me a lot of stress about a year, year and a half, ago. I talked to my mom about it, bcs I was scared, but I realized that this kind of evil happens all the time, and that I’m thinking from a pedophile’s view point as a way of safety or preparation. I hope this is true, bcs I still freak out some times. I’m getting anxiety while typing this. But I’ve never had sexual thoughts about kids. I am super aware if they are in a vulnerable state, and it makes me uncomfortable bcs I know that vulnerable state can be seen as opportunity to a predator. Like, when I’m changing my daughter’s poopy diaper and I have to get the poo out of her folds, she fights and resist, and I freak out thinking she’s thinking I’m abusing her. And then that can start a whole train of intrusive, explicit thoughts, like, does she get abused at daycare, etc. I just can’t stand it, bcs these thoughts still randomly cross my mind from time to time. I don’t believe I am a child molester, but I AM going to be uncomfortable and maybe awkward if your son or daughter is running around without a diaper on, or if your young daughter is dressed like a young adult, like, toddlers with tube tops on and little booty shorts/diaper cover. I’m aware of what can be seen as attracting to a child molester, and THAT makes me uncomfortable and worries me.

That I will get to overwhelmed with 4 kids ages 7 yrs to 3wks old. Will I take my frustration out on them. Will I psychologically damage them. Will I be too overwhelmed with life that I miss their signs of distress and need for love and attention. Will I fail all my kids?
What is someone close by hurts them? Who can I trust to babysit? Will I ever get time for myself if I dont trust anyone? How can we afford this many kids?

I had a nightmare that my mom accidentally killed my baby by dropping her. Then I chopped up her corpse and put the pieces in a big Tupperware container in the fridge. I have flashbacks of this nightmare at random times during the day even though it happened months ago. The images that keep replaying in my mind are her milky lifeless eyes and brains falling out onto the floor when I cut her skull open. I’m horrified that I even imagined such a terrible thing. I love my baby so much that I would die for her. I thought that there was something seriously wrong with me until I found this website.

I’m worried my 3yo already needs therapy from when I was a rage monster before being medicated. I am so much more calm with my second baby and desperately wish I could start over with my first. He deserves a better babyhood.

I was always afraid of my boyfriend taking the baby in the other room while the baby was crying. He’s a great father and would never hurt our son, but he gets stressed when he cries. I was so scared thinking he was in the other room choking him or smacking him or one day I’m going to hear a loud noise caused by him throwing the baby down or into the wall. Again, he would NEVER do this.

I was/am absolutely terrified about SIDS. I have had dreams where i have woken up to find her cold and lifeless. Which in turn wakes me up in tears with me dragging my sleeping bubs out of her bed to sit and cuddle and cry with her. In saying that shes loving the extra feed and snuggles lol

Before I had my babies I had been involved in work which caused me to come into contact with detailed descriptions of child sexual abuse. After I had my first son I started getting awful intrusive thoughts/images/sounds of him being abused in the same way as the cases I had read. Certain cries triggered it the most and then as he got older they would be triggered the most if he was crying/resisting getting undressed when getting changed or ready for the bath. I would never force him if he didn’t want to but sometimes my husband would still try and change him. The thoughts/sounds/images were terrible and so vivid. I’ve had another baby 5 months ago and they’ve started again. I tried to explain these to a child health nurse and she just didn’t get it. She thought I was experiencing thoughts of me abusing the boys. But mine are different… it’s not me who’s doing it, but I can still visualise it and hear it like it’s actually happening. They break my heart and make me feel like I can’t breath. I try to remind myself that they’re not actually happening and the boys are safe but then this little voice comes in and whispers ‘yes, but that has happened to a child and you know it.