Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I was standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross and thought what if I suddenly go mad and push her pram infront of the oncoming traffic 🙁 she was only weeks old. On my second night in hospital after having her was the first time she really locked onto my eyes. I remember being convinced it was my dead dads eyes looking straight into my soul. EVERY night I cry before I lay down because I’m convinced she will die and I’ll wake up and find her cold and blue. Even with a breathing monitor I wake up every 10 mins or so to check her.

During our bedtime routine we have massage, bath, bottle and play a sleep playlist for her to fall asleep to, Theres 2 songs that every time they come on I think ‘I will play this at her funeral’ I’m so utterly convinced I’m going to lose her 🙁

Recurring nightmare that after my c section I fell into a coma (or died) & this first year with my baby has all been a dream. I wake from the coma to learn that he doesnt exist, I’m not really a mum & all the happiness I’ve felt is dead too.

I’ve had so much anxiety and fear about losing him. It took years to get him & really difficult ivf journey.

Thoughts that after I am asleep at night, my house will catch fire and we will be burnt. The scariest being able to feel the pain and fear my children will feel when this happens.

Me and my husband will die in the house and no one will realise in time to be able to save her and she will die alone, slowly, hungry and crying and scared wondering why her mum and dad aren’t helping her.

So I just had my 3rd baby. I never felt this way with my other two kids but I am so afraid of leaving her. I wont let anyone watch her and I havent been away from her once. I’m so scared that if shes with anyone else I will lose her. Sometimes I think if I leave her she will die and other times I think someone is gonna take her. I cant sleep at night without waking up constantly to check on her or waking up from nightmares that she died…

I can distinctly remember my first of many scary thoughts. It was week two of postpartum and I was only sleeping about 2-3 hours / day for fear my newborn daughter would stop breathing or die of SIDS. My husband was at work and I was home alone with her. I was holding her as I walked back and forth in the living trying to burp her after breastfeeding. The thought: ” I should just throw her over the balcony.” I was mortified and stunned. I didn’t know where this idea came from. It happened again the next day. By day three I was terrified to be left home with her for fear I would act on my thoughts. I was ashamed to tell my family and friends. I knew if I told my obstetrician the police would take my child away. But I had to tell someone. So I told my husband. He reacted calmly and non judgemental. He stayed home from work for 3 days to monitor me. He gave me space and time to breathe. The thoughts decreased in frequency and eventually vanished. Now and than I have visions of her being injured but I rebuke the thought and replace it with a positive one.

Car accidents… over and over while driving. I look back to him in the mirror and something will just force itself into my mind and I’ll picture a car t-boning us on his side and him being unconscious and me surviving and screaming and trying to save him.

Had my third baby during the COVID-19 pandemic and just the thought of any of my kids getting sick scares me so much. I started to have nightmares of my older daughters dying or not being in their beds at night. My baby being cold as ice when I wake up in the morning. My anxiety is so bad I can’t eat without having the baby in my eyesight, I need to be able to see him breathing. My girls are tried of me panicking over them touching their eyes because I automatically think their sick already. When I stress out a lot I get thoughts in my head of vanishing from this world but my kids are the only thing keeping me going. I get so scared if I die who is going to watch over them.

My mom took off and abandoned myself and my father when I was 4. Needless to say we have a very mild, unattached relationship.Becoming a mother at 37, has been one of the most amazing yet scary things I have ever done(more than the average woman I think).My daughter (6 months) is a high-needs and spirited baby. I love her something fierce but my god some days are so incredibly difficult. This morning when she was fighting her nap like usual, I said out loud, “I know why my mom left, I can’t handle this”. I cannot believe I said this. This is exactly what I DONT want to be. I’m so ashamed.

I have two under two and my second pregnancy was horrible and so was my delivery. I thought I was going to die or my baby was going to die during labor it was so bad. I was sleep deprived and getting frustrated I was scared I was going to hurt my kids. Now things are getting better but the anxiety is still there. I’m afraid I’ll wake up and my youngest will be dead because she likes to sleep on her stomach. We have a big trip that I may have to do alone with the both of them and I’m scared I may crash or get hit. I’m scared I’ll get robbed or my kids will get kidnapped. I’m scared my youngest will be in her car seat too long and die of asphyxiation. I’m scared we’re going to be followed. I don’t think I can’t do it but I may not have a choice.