Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

With sex trafficking being brought to light recently, I constantly have intrusive thoughts about someone sexually assaulting my 9 month old daughter.

I lived in the nicu with my baby for 7 1/2 months. I seen him go through so many procedures, almost die numerous times and scream in silent pain because he had no voice from having a breathing tube. I held my baby boy in my arms until I said I was ready to let him go. I had to choose the time he died. I keep reliving that very monent in my head and it gets more vivid and traumatic each time. Four years had passed and I found out I was pregnant. I knew the risks and was prepared for the worst but since I knew in advance what I had problems with in the past I thought I would be able to conquer this pregnancy. My first pregnancy I had preeclampsia and had to deliver at 27 weeks. I had a great pregnancy my second time and was healthy up until 30 weeks. I thought I was home free after I passed 27 weeks but I wasn’t. I started to go downhill at 30 weeks and was hospitalized until 32 weeks and was forced to deliver. I wasn’t too worried because I knew the baby was healthy and would be more developed than my last. My baby was born with no major problems, he weighed 4#11 oz. I was so happy but also scared because I knew how premature babies can go from good to bad in a second. We were only in the nicu for one month. I was able to take my baby home! I was so thankful and everything was perfect. I felt like it was too good to be true, how did I get to take my baby home with no problems. I worried and stressed a lot and everyone told me to relax and not to worry. On my baby’s 4 mo birthday he had a fever and got ill very fast. We went to the er and had many tests done and waited for results. The very last test came back positive for Strep. B – I had never heard of it and was never tested for it because I had a c section at 32 weeks. We were in the hospital for a week and then came home with a picc line and I had to give him the rest of his treatment at home. His treatment went well and his picc came out and I thought it was going to be normal again. 3 days later I have noticed my baby is not himself! I took him to the er because he had been sleeping way too much and I could not even get him to wake up after 8 hrs of deep sleep. The Er sent us home and said he’s fine. I am now at home with him and still think something is not right. He is crying and swallowing funny and can not stay asleep for very long. Everyone is telling me I am worrying too much and I need to not be so paranoid. I was told I am comparing him to my baby who passed and I am thinking bad thoughts because of that. I don’t compare him to my last baby but the memories do come back and I don’t want to have to have another funeral for a child. I am just so overwhelmed and do t know when it’s ok to let my baby cry, act different, look different, before I ask for help?!

My toddler’s room is across the house from our bedroom, and I’m terrified that if I sleep at night, I won’t hear if someone tries to break in and kidnap him or that it will be too late by the time I realize it…and that I’ll go into his room in the morning to find that he just disappeared forever, and I’ll never know what kind of sick person has him or what they’re doing to him and I’ll just be powerless.
So I just sit awake all night in the living room so I can feel like I’m protecting him. I usually finally fall asleep when the sun starts to rise..

We have a figurine of a mother holding her newborn baby, and I keep it on a shelf in the hallway. The shelf rattles sometimes from the water heater on the other side of the wall, and the figurine fell over. But I was convinced it was a sign that meant something. Like I was going to drop dead and my children would grow up without a mother and my whole family would fall apart.

Every time we go on a walk, I’m certain a car in our neighborhood will intentionally run us down and kill us. I get such a vivid image in my head of us dying and the stroller crushing and my children screaming.

I am very relaxed in general but have intrusive thoughts of dogs mauling my baby to death or somehow we end up in fast moving water and she is swept from my arms and I am helpless to save her.

Every time something bad happens or I watch the news, I instantly want to leave this world and take my son with me. I constantly think someone will hurt him or take him from me and my only way of preventing this is for us both to leave earth. I know I wouldn’t do it, but the thoughts are so intrusive. I feel like heaven is the only safe place for us.

Right now, it’s just me and my daughter at home, and every day I have the thought in the back of my head of “what if I die suddenly?” I often think of her dying, too, but I’m terrified of dying suddenly in the house and leaving her alone to scream and cry and eventually die alone and scared in our house because no one knew to check on us.

I was molested by my sister at a young age and now I worry what if I molest my own child. I worry about inappropriately touching her in any way. I think what if I’m like my sister.

I was afraid to shower because I thought my baby wouldn’t be able to smell “Mom” anymore.

I fantasized about dropping my newborn off at a fire station and telling family he had died- just

To get some sleep. I would never harm my children but I have some understanding of how badly it can get now and I have sympathy for moms who have been arrested for harming their kids. They were suffering too.