Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I’m afraid to tell anyone about my scary thoughts because I’m paranoid my significant other will use them to take custody of our child.

With my second child, I started having scary thoughts pretty soon as her birth. Everytime she needed a diaper change, I pictured slamming her down on the changing table. I felt horrible. I knew I would never actually do it, but the thoughts were so persistent. And with a newborn, diaper changes are constant. So my scary thoughts kept coming. I was already seeing a therapist, but was scared to tell her what I was thinking. I thought if I said my scary thoughts out loud, she would have to report me or something. At the end of a session, I finally told her about the changing table images I was having. I was so nervous. First, she said that she was really glad that I told her. She explained that these kinds of thoughts can happen, but it doesn’t mean I would actually hurt my baby. She comforted me, and explained what postpartum OCD was. I’m so glad I said something, because I had no idea about anything other than postpartum depression.

With my second child, I started having scary thoughts pretty soon as her birth. Everytime she needed a diaper change, I pictured slamming her down on the changing table. I felt horrible. I knew I would never actually do it, but the thoughts were so persistent. And with a newborn, diaper changes are constant. So my scary thoughts kept coming. I was already seeing a therapist, but was scared to tell her what I was thinking. I thought if I said my scary thoughts out loud, she would have to report me or something. At the end of a session, I finally told her about the changing table images I was having. I was so nervous. First, she said that she was really glad that I told her. She explained that these kinds of thoughts can happen, but it doesn’t mean I would actually hurt my baby. She comforted me, and explained what postpartum OCD was. I’m so glad I said something, because I had no idea about anything other than postpartum depression.

My brain is busting. I need my children to go to school but every time I picture them going to school I imagine them getting sick and dying. And getting me sick and then we are all suffering. I could never forgive myself if I send them to school and something terrible happens.

I have horrible thoughts of shaking him or hurting him in some way when he won’t stop crying in the night and all I want to do is sleep. Then I feel guilty for having those thoughts and end up crying myself.

While baby was crying, I imagined throwing my baby across the room or out the window. When I was having an especially hard time I imagined either slitting my wrist or crashing my car into a light pole.

I was so terrified to get post partum psychosis that I was petrified to hold knives or give my baby a bath because I thought something would take control of me and make me hurt my baby.

My ppd manifests as rage. I get angry all the time at my partner, he’s an amazing dad, I just can’t understand why I am so angry. I stay awake all night watching my baby because I am scared of what could happen while I sleep. I cry randomly and start hating my life. I feel guilty for not giving my son a happier mom… I stressed myself out so much my milk supply tanked and I can’t get it back. I feel like I’m drowning all the time, and nobody really sees it.

i’m not a mother but my mom recently gave birth to my baby brother 6 months ago and i keep imagining these horrible thoughts of ways he can die. like in a fire, starvation if somehow we died, or i imagine myself slapping and throwing him as if he was a doll. even as far as thinking of a zombie apocalypse and i get bit and devour him and i think about how much he’d cry. or if he was somehow left behind and just cried and cried until he eventually dies.

I picture awful things happening to my son, and I’ll start crying my eyes out because I feel so helpess. Sometimes I feel like he deserves a better life and a better mom. He deserves everything I can’t give him… and I always feel guilty for not being good enough.

Tonight while I’m going through my sons bedtime routine.. i lay there nursing him rubbing his arm as he is touching my face. I have this instant anxiety of what would happen if he were taken from me. What would I do if I couldn’t lay here an stare at him as he falls asleep. I started crying as the fear crept over me. I know he felt my anxiety because he opened his eyes an touched my cheek. Then when I went to lay him in his crib he grabbed on to me so tight an laid his head on my shoulder. Will I always have these thoughts? I barely will go out with him alone because of my fears. I know I can’t keep him in the house all the time but this is my safe place an im so scared all the time. I am working from home most of the days lately an when we are in the house I arm my house because of how nervous I am.

I avoid standing too close to the stair railing on the second floor or too close to the edge of the balcony because I keep getting an image of him falling out of my hands. It’s worse with my first born, who’s now much older. I get anxious whenever she gets sick, that she will die of pneumonia. The thoughts of her getting hit by a car when she’s playing in the front yard haunt me every time.