Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

My husband and I were on a date at the bowling alley and took our 5 month old. All I could picture was a bowling ball dropping on his head and smashing his skull. We had to leave because it caused a panic attack. I also worry about dropping him on hard surfaces like concrete and a hundred other crazy things that are most likely never going to happen.

I couldn’t bathe our baby on my own for a good few months. I was terrified I would drown her. I told my husband I was scared of bathing her and that’s why I always waited until he was home but he thought it was because I was scared of dropping her when she was wet. I never corrected him….

I was feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and thinking about everything I had to do for the day. Also frustrated that I was limited due to c section complications. My baby was hungry and screaming, the dogs had to go out to pee then be fed. I had a list of things in my mind to do. The baby is still crying. I had this terrible thought “what would happen if I smothered him with a pillow?” . I realized I needed to put him in the other room and close the door so I could take a breather. afterwards I thought … what kind of mother would think something like that if her baby??

I’m scared that I’m going to hurt him in my Sleep

The home we were in at the time was a lake house and I repeatedly pictured throwing my baby into the lake and watching him sink to the bottom.

The crying and screaming in the middle of the night that jolt you awake. The anger and frustration getting worse and worse as I hold my baby. The shushing gets louder and then turns to shut up. Then shut the f*** up. Patting on the bum gets harder, putting baby down not as gentle. Just go to sleep! But obviously she gets more and more upset. Seeing the anger in my eyes and hearing it in my voice. Not giving her the gentle cuddle but instead a tight hold. She’s done no wrong she’s just a baby, she’s my world my reason to be. Why would I harm her like this? I don’t deserve to be her mother. I try so hard to do activities with her, get her the best. Try so hard to bond. Find it so hard to see or feel the bond. Feel so alone and unloved and unworthy of love. Because behind closed doors in the middle of the night when I snap I’m evil. What if someone sees or a neighbour hears me scream and services kick my door in and take her from me. What if she looks at me with terror and no longer loves me. I love my baby so much will kill anyone who hurts her.

I’m so angry all the time. I sometimes wish my husband would leave so that we could be divorced and I would get days off from my kids.

My daughter is almost two and i can’t stand her whining or getting any tantrums. In moments like this it just feels like my head is going to blow up, like actual smoke is coming out of my ears. But its not from anger. There is like a mix of despair and failure in my heart making a tight knot.

Too many to name. Generally my son being alone trapped somewhere and calling out for me, starving and crying but I can’t find him. Drowning/lost at sea is another major one.

Thirteen years later, I still have never told anyone cause of how ashamed I was, I guess still am. I had feelings just before and after the birth of my son. Who mind you is the absolute love of my life, even during the head butting teenage years lol. This thought I had stuck with me all these years though… I was driving home alone down a really long, dark, empty road and I had this overwhelming feeling to just yank the steering wheel all the way to the left, which would’ve of course flipped the car probably killing both myself and my unborn baby, he was due any day. I still to this day dont know what stopped me from doing so, guardian angel maybe. When I look at my son I’m so thankful and grateful for that guardian angel, I couldn’t imagine life without him. And any thoughts and/or fears I had, those all went out the window not long after he was born. To any new mom or about to be a new mom, although it may be hard to believe, I promise, it does get better, A LOT BETTER!! Chin up buttercup, us moms stick together, dont ever hesitate to reach out cause believe you me, we have ALL been there. It’s ok.

I am a sleep deprived stay at home father. I love my baby to death and would never do anything to harm him. But when I haven’t slept and he cries for what seems like no reason, the frustration builds and I’ll think the worst things. But then when I’m holding him and he’s looking up at me after I’ve calmed him, my world changes completely. I’ve also been the overworried parent. Like what if he’s too hot? If I fall asleep will I hear if he’s choking in his sleep? Is his swaddle tight enough to not come up and suffocate him? Just a million worrisome thoughts.

My three year old woke up and told me she could feel her heart beat. So I listened and the beat seemed irregular. I instantly imagined her in a tiny coffin dead from an undiagnosed heart condition I could have prevented. I saw myself distraught and throwing away my relationships. I would never be the same again.