Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I vividly picture what would happen if there were a fire and I couldn’t get to my baby. How terrified she would be before the flames engulfed her.

Ever since I almost dropped my baby, at night I unwillingly picture what it would have looked like if I actually had. I would have to live the rest of my life taking care of a baby with a brain injury that I caused. The shame would be so great that I wouldn’t be able to look at her or live with myself.

I would see myself throwing her down the stairs, or dropping her when I put her in the car seat. Constantly checking the temperature of the room, and her chest to make sure an wasnt clammy. Making sure she was in the right tog sleeping bag. I actually think I under dressed her because I thought well it’s better if she’s cold and wakes up and overheats and dies… then I would think well if she dies I couldn’t cope so then I’d just kill myself. Then the thoughts got scarier… what if my husband is cleaning her inappropriately? What if I am? What if we hurt her? What if there’s a dark truth to these thoughts??? I was trapped in my mind.. around and around and around. And trapped inside due to Covid. Thank you KK for your work. Your speak the secret helped me reach out. Ladies, you’re not alone.”

It took me 6 years and IVF to have a baby. I thought being a mother would be a magical experience. That I would be kind and fun – The perfect mother. My baby had bad colic, feeding problems and then lockdown happened. I found myself being filled with rage and anger. I had horrible thoughts about strangling my baby or throwing him down the stairs when he was crying. I felt so guilty. This wasn’t the mother I was meant to be. Maybe the infertility was right and I should never have had children. Other people seem to find it so easy.

It took me 6 years and IVF to have a baby. I thought being a mother would be a magical experience. That I would be kind and fun – The perfect mother. My baby had bad colic, feeding problems and then lockdown happened. I found myself being filled with rage and anger. I had horrible thoughts about strangling my baby or throwing him down the stairs when he was crying. I felt so guilty. This wasn’t the mother I was meant to be. Maybe the infertility was right and I should never have had children. Other people seem to find it so easy.

Apart from the usual fear of SIDS, fear of baby choking, fear of falling asleep and dropping/suffocating her during middle of the night feeds, my biggest fear revolves around my parents. They live overseas, and haven’t been able to get here to meet my daughter – their only granddaughter. They are so incredibly desperate to get over here to meet her, and be with their other grandchildren, and with COVID locking everything down, I fear that they’ll never get here. And they don’t live in the safest part of the world, so I fear for their safety more now than ever. And if they eventually get on a plane one day, what if they catch COVID? My son misses them, and my daughter doesn’t know them. I’m Worrying and stressing for everyone else as well as myself. It’s exhausting.

I’m here at the fourth time baby awakening because my partner doesn’t respect the silence break after baby sleeps. Sometimes, push the door, other plates broken, tv sounds, beer opening and so on. I’m devastated with such a frustration and exhausted of him and the postpartum hormones. I want to go out of here as soon as possible.

My baby is going to die, just from anything; smothering, my hands, when visiting other family or friends home, choking, SIDS. Everything makes me so nervous. My thoughts are all over the place. I would never harm my baby and I never want to see my baby in harms ways. Sometimes I want to cry, when I look at his beautiful face. Sometimes I just feel like my baby is in harms way and I feel so much better if he is with me at all times but I feel so relieved when I have a tiny break from him. Idk man.

I am studying at Grandma’s house and she is babysitting my toddler son. They are outside and I suddenly imagined he was hit by a car and the grief of it is hot and painful in my body, tears in my eyes.

Sleep deprived of constant sleepless nights where almost 1 year old would want a feeding at 2 in the morning on a nightly basis. Had thoughts of wanting child to die or wishing I never had him so I could get rest again. OF COURSE I do not want that to happen. I love my little boy with all my heart! These intrusive thoughts*I struggle with a lot, this is just one of them* make me feel like such a horrible person/mom. I can’t just have the thought and dismiss it like some people can. I dwell on them for a good couple days or weeks! Even with medication and seeing a counselor I still have these thoughts. It can be so draining.

My child is 10 months old and some days, every little thing is irritating to me… i am exhausted and find it hard to enjoy time with my baby most of the time. I feel like I’m surviving and counting everyday….then I feel like a monster and think it’d be better if I give up (being a mom) and give my baby to his dad.

I thought about slitting my daughters throat and then driving to the store, buying cigarettes (relapse) and going back home but I would smoke the entire pack and relax before I called the cops to turn myself in. I would be happy in jail away from all the responsibility and the crying. I would be able to sleep in jail.