Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I obsessively search cases of infant abuse and signs of potentially abusive parenting. I am so afraid I will abuse my child because I was abused by my parents. I feel like it’s in my genetics. Though I have never hurt my baby I’m still afraid I will.

My little one is 5 days old. The first day or 2 I kept thinking of ways I could hurt her. I would Never do that. I felt jealous of my husband. He kept holding her, calming her, changing her, and helping her sleep; i was just the food source. Now im just sad often. I miss my 6yr old son. Hes not gone just sleeping separate from me now. I miss my dad; he’s been out of town for 2 mos repairing his 2nd home. I’m sad that I’m not sad or missing my husband. I used to love to write but I dont really feel like it. I’m annoyed at the amount of people in this house (7 ppl). My cat is on meds and not improving. Any little thought makes me cry as though I were still pregnant. I didnt feel like this with my son. I felt the happiest I had ever been in my life… this time it’s different. I feel neutral. What am I going to do after maternity leave. I dont want to go back to work. If I don’t ill lose my license. We need to move but are financially unable and time is running out. Im getting used to the sleep deprivation… somewhat. My son is having his teeth filled in 2 mos. My dog needs his teeth done. I hate being in charge of the bills. I’m not sad when I’m talking with others. I can be happy. But when I’m alone with my thoughts I’m sad. I’ve been depressed before; 15 and 20 yrs ago. This doesn’t feel like that. Well, maybe the beginning. My husband doesn’t understand. I’ve explained depression to him time and again And he suffered from it as a child but he doesn’t see it as a problem. I have no one but my children. How long can I be happy on the outside? I wish everyone would just leave me alone..

It started a few days after birth. I was completely overwhelmed, new mum, first baby etc. I felt like I was failing, I had no idea what I was doing. Anxiety about whether she was getting enough milk, she was loosing weight so I felt like I had starved her. What if she falls out the window, is she too hot / too cold, what if she’s drowns or chokes. I have visions of her choking and running next door with her to the Dr surgery for help. I’m a nurse so I should know what to do but what if she dies on me and I can’t save her. Then I try to reassure myself I know where the closest Defibrillator is. It’s so invasive. Now it’s changed to what if we get Covid and die. She’ll never remember us if we die now or what if she gets it. What if she gets it off me, the guilt I couldn’t live with. What if she dies. I would crumble if anything happened to her. Then I would want to die.

I vividly picture what would happen if there were a fire and I couldn’t get to my baby. How terrified she would be before the flames engulfed her.

Ever since I almost dropped my baby, at night I unwillingly picture what it would have looked like if I actually had. I would have to live the rest of my life taking care of a baby with a brain injury that I caused. The shame would be so great that I wouldn’t be able to look at her or live with myself.

I would see myself throwing her down the stairs, or dropping her when I put her in the car seat. Constantly checking the temperature of the room, and her chest to make sure an wasnt clammy. Making sure she was in the right tog sleeping bag. I actually think I under dressed her because I thought well it’s better if she’s cold and wakes up and overheats and dies… then I would think well if she dies I couldn’t cope so then I’d just kill myself. Then the thoughts got scarier… what if my husband is cleaning her inappropriately? What if I am? What if we hurt her? What if there’s a dark truth to these thoughts??? I was trapped in my mind.. around and around and around. And trapped inside due to Covid. Thank you KK for your work. Your speak the secret helped me reach out. Ladies, you’re not alone.”

It took me 6 years and IVF to have a baby. I thought being a mother would be a magical experience. That I would be kind and fun – The perfect mother. My baby had bad colic, feeding problems and then lockdown happened. I found myself being filled with rage and anger. I had horrible thoughts about strangling my baby or throwing him down the stairs when he was crying. I felt so guilty. This wasn’t the mother I was meant to be. Maybe the infertility was right and I should never have had children. Other people seem to find it so easy.

It took me 6 years and IVF to have a baby. I thought being a mother would be a magical experience. That I would be kind and fun – The perfect mother. My baby had bad colic, feeding problems and then lockdown happened. I found myself being filled with rage and anger. I had horrible thoughts about strangling my baby or throwing him down the stairs when he was crying. I felt so guilty. This wasn’t the mother I was meant to be. Maybe the infertility was right and I should never have had children. Other people seem to find it so easy.

Apart from the usual fear of SIDS, fear of baby choking, fear of falling asleep and dropping/suffocating her during middle of the night feeds, my biggest fear revolves around my parents. They live overseas, and haven’t been able to get here to meet my daughter – their only granddaughter. They are so incredibly desperate to get over here to meet her, and be with their other grandchildren, and with COVID locking everything down, I fear that they’ll never get here. And they don’t live in the safest part of the world, so I fear for their safety more now than ever. And if they eventually get on a plane one day, what if they catch COVID? My son misses them, and my daughter doesn’t know them. I’m Worrying and stressing for everyone else as well as myself. It’s exhausting.

I’m here at the fourth time baby awakening because my partner doesn’t respect the silence break after baby sleeps. Sometimes, push the door, other plates broken, tv sounds, beer opening and so on. I’m devastated with such a frustration and exhausted of him and the postpartum hormones. I want to go out of here as soon as possible.

My baby is going to die, just from anything; smothering, my hands, when visiting other family or friends home, choking, SIDS. Everything makes me so nervous. My thoughts are all over the place. I would never harm my baby and I never want to see my baby in harms ways. Sometimes I want to cry, when I look at his beautiful face. Sometimes I just feel like my baby is in harms way and I feel so much better if he is with me at all times but I feel so relieved when I have a tiny break from him. Idk man.

I am studying at Grandma’s house and she is babysitting my toddler son. They are outside and I suddenly imagined he was hit by a car and the grief of it is hot and painful in my body, tears in my eyes.