Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

My stomach looks awful. What if I don’t look good to my husband anymore?

I just want my old life back… I want to return the baby to the hospital, put her up for adoption. I know I can’t do that, so I just want to run away from all of this and start a new life where I don’t have children.

My baby has been really fussy lately uncontrollably crying for hours at night. I’ve had thoughts run through my mind of throwing her just to get her to stop.

I’m not just useless as a mother. My family would be better if I were dead.

I had this overwhelming fear that I would sleep walk into my daughter’s room and harm her. I struggled with taking care of her day to day in fear that I would I harm her against my will. I learned through therapy that I had developed postpartum harm OCD or “Pure O”. I have since got on medication, and seeking therapy has helped me immensely. I look and my daughter every day and am so thankful to be her mom. Get help when you need it.

Its worth saying I was subsequently diagnosed with a bonding disorder , but your website has really helped me come to terms with many of the thoughts I had now almost 13 years ago. I’m a doctor by trade. I would constantly think of how my daughter would die, often by my hand. It was very strange, I didnt want to hurt her, but I wanted her to die, so I could go back to my old life. I would think which would be the most painless but efficient way of killing her. I would think about leaving her in the woods and wondering how long it would take for someone to find her. Later as my bonding disorder evolved I would catastrophise everything, walking along a road I would be convinced cars or lorries would mount the pavement crash into buildings and we would all be crushed. I would dream planes would fall out of the sky into us., trip down stairs, drop her off balconies you name it an event outside of the house I would turn into a disaster , however at the same time I was desperate to get out of the house so I wasnt stuck there alone with her. I was also convinced she would die overnight. I hated being the first into her room in the morning because I knew she would be deadIt was the worst 5 years of my life. Noone understood it. I briefly saw a state psychiatrist who told me I wouldnt act on the ideas but had no follow up. You are doing an amazing job spreading the word. I wish I had found you when she was a baby.

I hate that my baby won’t do as I say and sleep when it’s best for them. It makes me scream with rage.

My baby seems to like her dad more than me, and it makes me so resentful that I sometimes want to just ignore my baby. It makes me feel like a terrible mom.

Sometimes when I’m overtired and my baby won’t take a nap and just cries I get so overwhelmed I get a list of thoughts running in my head about how I could make him take a nap. It’s freaks me out and I try to ignore them but over the sound of him crying it’s so hard to stay calm. I would never and have never hurt my baby but this still happens and all I can do is sit on the floor and cry with him.

I obsessively search cases of infant abuse and signs of potentially abusive parenting. I am so afraid I will abuse my child because I was abused by my parents. I feel like it’s in my genetics. Though I have never hurt my baby I’m still afraid I will.

My little one is 5 days old. The first day or 2 I kept thinking of ways I could hurt her. I would Never do that. I felt jealous of my husband. He kept holding her, calming her, changing her, and helping her sleep; i was just the food source. Now im just sad often. I miss my 6yr old son. Hes not gone just sleeping separate from me now. I miss my dad; he’s been out of town for 2 mos repairing his 2nd home. I’m sad that I’m not sad or missing my husband. I used to love to write but I dont really feel like it. I’m annoyed at the amount of people in this house (7 ppl). My cat is on meds and not improving. Any little thought makes me cry as though I were still pregnant. I didnt feel like this with my son. I felt the happiest I had ever been in my life… this time it’s different. I feel neutral. What am I going to do after maternity leave. I dont want to go back to work. If I don’t ill lose my license. We need to move but are financially unable and time is running out. Im getting used to the sleep deprivation… somewhat. My son is having his teeth filled in 2 mos. My dog needs his teeth done. I hate being in charge of the bills. I’m not sad when I’m talking with others. I can be happy. But when I’m alone with my thoughts I’m sad. I’ve been depressed before; 15 and 20 yrs ago. This doesn’t feel like that. Well, maybe the beginning. My husband doesn’t understand. I’ve explained depression to him time and again And he suffered from it as a child but he doesn’t see it as a problem. I have no one but my children. How long can I be happy on the outside? I wish everyone would just leave me alone..

It started a few days after birth. I was completely overwhelmed, new mum, first baby etc. I felt like I was failing, I had no idea what I was doing. Anxiety about whether she was getting enough milk, she was loosing weight so I felt like I had starved her. What if she falls out the window, is she too hot / too cold, what if she’s drowns or chokes. I have visions of her choking and running next door with her to the Dr surgery for help. I’m a nurse so I should know what to do but what if she dies on me and I can’t save her. Then I try to reassure myself I know where the closest Defibrillator is. It’s so invasive. Now it’s changed to what if we get Covid and die. She’ll never remember us if we die now or what if she gets it. What if she gets it off me, the guilt I couldn’t live with. What if she dies. I would crumble if anything happened to her. Then I would want to die.