Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

When I had my first born I had (undiagnosed at the time) ppd and severe ppa. My intrusive thoughts were constant. I was afraid to take her for walks outside because I would have to cross a road at some point. It didn’t matter if a car was 200 feet away from us going 40km I thought “even if I run across the road with her in the stroller they’re still going to hit us.” I would start crying if she started crying in her carseat while we were on a walk because I thought if I picked her up to soothe her I would drop her and she would die. After a year of suffering through my intrusive thoughts, panic attacks and crying every day I was finally diagnosed. I learned to direct my thoughts or discount them with reasoning. This time around with my second baby anytime I have an intrusive scary thought I try to redirect. Most times it helps immensely.

Every time I changed my son’s diaper, I would think “Now is the time I become a child molester.” I knew it was only a matter of time until I became an abuser since I’d experienced abuse growing up. I became terrified to change his diaper or dress him after the bath. It felt like I was diffusing a bomb every 3 hours. It wasn’t until I was in therapy almost 2 years later I even learned what scary, intrusive thoughts were. We weren’t even talking about my motherhood but when I learned about them, I instantly felt relief. I wasn’t a child abuser. I was a mom who needed help getting her mental health back.

Every stranger on the street seems like a potentially evil person. Someones going to come take my baby or take me from out front or come into my house and kill me and she’ll be left home alone till dad comes home from work. Ive carried a pocket knife every time I open the front door or go anywhere since the thoughts started. Also cant tell dad it’s easier to just let me do every thing than to let him help with her.

I thought my PPA had gotten better. But every once in a while it rears it’s ugly head. My brain burns like it’s on fire. My body shakes. I feel like being stuck at home with my kids is equivalent to someone holding a knife to my neck. I don’t feel emotions. Just a painful, panicking, burning in my whole body. Like trying to suppress a desire to be violent.
And I want to run away. Leave my kids. Take care of myself. I want silence. I want the freedom to sleep when I’m tired.
And then the scary thoughts come in. Nobody else can take care of them like I do. They are so cute and sweet I have nightmares and day-mares of them being kidnapped, murdered, molested, you name it -‘y brain thinks of it. Sometimes I can’t even sleep because I’m afraid of them dying in the night. I fuss and obsessed over their car seat buckles to make sure they are in “just the right spot.” I feel like I’m in a tourture device every time I am in the car – as every car that merges or passes us causes a violent accident in my mind. I need a break – but don’t feel like I can take one. Because my kids would die – obviously… They aren’t even hard kids. They are the sweetest, kindest, brightest, happiest kids I know. I feel like there is a demon inside just lurking under the surface – just waiting to come out and destroy everything I love. The hardest part is that it’s me. And I have to fight it almost every day just to function.

That an intruder would come in at night to rob us but end up killing my baby because he wouldn’t stop crying. I’d go over in my mind ways to convince them to let me nurse him and put him to bed to make him be quiet. Offer to let them rape me, think of all the things we own worth the most money I could offer them, etc.

Sometimes I get so sick of my kids constant need for food I don’t want to breastfeed. I’m sick of coming up with food for a 9 month old and a 3 year old. They eat everything. I can’t keep up. I hardly get to eat myself. I just want to run away. I feel bad when I yell. I never wanted to be a yelling mom. But my mom was. So I’m just trying to undo a lot of bad habits. Being patient with myself when the one person I wish I could talk to (my mom) encourages and enables succumbing to the bad thoughts – is really hard. I feel hopelessly alone. And I fear I’ll never recover.

Wow I don’t know how I stumbled onto this page but I’m so glad that I did it’s a weight off my shoulders to know there isn’t something wrong with me and I’m not secretly a psychopath on the inside or something. I’m a nurse myself and well aware of the existence of baby blues and postpartum depression but was not prepared for the scary thoughts that would haunt me day and night. Every time I walk up or down our stairs my legs almost shake cause I can’t help but imagine what would happen to my sweet baby if I fell. I frequently have thoughts about someone trying to take my baby from me, when I look at the baby monitor on night mode I imagine seeing someone’s hands pick up and take my baby. My thoughts then run through every possible scenario of what I would do to fight them or find my baby. I had a dream that intruders broke into our house and I hid in our laundry room but decided to put my baby in the dryer so they couldn’t hear him, I then imagined that they found him and turned the dryer on with him in it to torture me. I can’t ride in the vehicle without thoughts crossing my mind about someone swerving head on into our vehicle or hitting a moose. The imagination is endless but it every scenario goes back to what I would do to protect my baby which I guess “comes with the job” but until know I felt sick inside for not being able to identify that these thoughts are normal and it’s not just me!

I sometimes stand by the ice cold lake with my baby in the pram and fantasise about how calm and comforting it would be to just sleep in the waves forever. People pass by there all the time so someone would find my daughter. She deserves someone better and happier to take care of her. It makes me sad that she wouldn’t remember me though.

I wouldn’t actually do it, because it’s got to get better, right? Sometimes the thought of everlasting peace and quiet is just so comforting.

I’m scared that I’m going to die in childbirth and won’t get to meet my baby. I’m also scared that everyone close to me is gonna die before I have my baby and then I’ll be left completely alone.

Every time I get in the car with my daughters I imagine accidentally backing over either one of them because I forgot to load her into the car. It’s such a graphic intrusive thought that I have to check 3 times that they’re both in their car seats.

I’m single Mother. I have constant fear that I’m gonna die in accident, and leave my child alone or gonna hurt him. At times those fears take over me and make me more angry or sad. My son’s 2yrs old and I love him more than anything and want to come out of these fears and lead a normal life…