Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I hope my baby never ever dies but if he did. I’d be without kids or any attachments to his dad. But I’d also be screwed in the head. Bc I love him but it’s bitter sweet. He’s the best kid. I feel soo bad for having him. He deserves better.

I am consumed by thoughts of my babies being hurt or dying. I imagine what it would be like at their funeral, or having to identify their body. I end up sobbing every time. I read horror child abuse stories and picture my kids in those situations. I never let them out of my sight in public as I am terrified they will be taken. I am so scared all the time that something is going to happen to them. I know I need help but I don’t know where to start.

I had such bad intrusive thoughts postpartum with my first and only child. It was always a very vivid picture of something bad happening to him…I’d be holding him and envision him falling and cracking his skull open. Or envisioning what would injuries he’d sustain if I happened to throw him across the room. I’d start crying at the though. There were no reasons for these thoughts and it made me so upset to have them…I would constantly question whether or not I had gone crazy. Was I bad mom for having these thoughts? Did having them mean deep down I wanted to act on them or wanted something bad to happen to him? It makes me terrified to have a second child for the fear I’ll end up with those dark thoughts again…my husband and I have discussed that we’ll start trying for another baby soon and as the time gets closer to when we planned, I can feel all the muscles in my body tighten. What if I have those thoughts again? I already feel like a bad mom most days..like I’m not doing enough…is it fair to add another human life into the mix? What if I fail them both? How can I take care of a toddler and a newborn when I’m fighting with my mind? It was hard enough with just a newborn. And I hardly had any support back then…I won’t now either. Sometimes I just wish I could disappear to a place no one needs me…where I can be far away from people I love too much and I can stop thinking about all the bad things that can happen to them.

I always thought I wanted three kids. Then, I had the scary realization that I was overstretched. In way over my head. Overwhelmed physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. I feel I don’t have the bandwidth to be a mom of three, but what can you do when you realize too late that you should have stopped at two?

I feel like I am not enough at all. I fail as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a co-worker and a friend. I feel like my daughter would be better everywhere else than with me. I wish I could just turn back to my life without a child. I am failing. How could anyone love me?

While sleeping, I would sometimes dream about not having enough milk and watching my baby slowly starve.

We went through a very difficult six months after the birth of our premature baby after a very difficult pregnancy. We split the night time into two shifts. My shift would start at 02:00 a.m. One night, as our baby lay in my arms, her eyes were open and looking at me. I was too scared to make eye contact because I felt like she was an intruder into our lives and whom have come with the sole purpose of making everything difficult and unbearable. I was afraid that I might harm her if I made eye contact, because I just felt like I could not do this anymore and nothing I did seemed to work. This was one of my scariest thoughts due to PPD, severe exhaustion and anxiety.

Sometimes I can feel it around my neck … the unwelcomed rope. I don’t even know how to tie a knot … sometimes I get caught up in that reality. It’s not true because I don’t even know how to tie a knot. But it doesn’t stop the unwanted … the threads sinking into my skin and my inability to breathe. I don’t want it. I. Don’t. Want it.

My husband doesn’t know, but I couldn’t stay in our last house because of the big wooden beams in the family room. I saw myself dangling from them, and I was terrified. I sold a house because of intrusive thoughts. Wth?

I have thoughts of my husband cheating on me and giving me AIDS while I’m breastfeeding our son. My post baby body is nothing compared to some beautiful woman he may come across. I have found messages in his phone before to and from other women so this is not an irrational thought in my opinion. It’s the most scariest thought I have now. I’m not sure how common this thought is, but I’m definitely considering a divorce (after I save enough money to live on my own) and no sex until then unless it’s with a condom.

I love my baby but I be needing a break. Her dad (my boyfriend) always wants to help but I just feel like he doesn’t know what he’s doing and he might drop her or anything so I always have …her no breaks (Omg this is bad)

I feel like I’m not a good enough mum, When I look at my children I want to cry because I feel guilty like I could be doing so much better….I am so sad all the time and I don’t want to get out of bed and do things with my kids and that makes me feel so horrible.