Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I hate being a mother, and I hate my self for feeling that way. I often regret that we decided to have a child. Why do I find it so impossible when I have such a perfect baby?

My daughter was 13 months the last time I posted here, and now she is 23 months. Do these thoughts/feelings ever go away? Things are better now, I rarely lose my temper with my little girl although I still get very frustrated it’s been a few months since the last incident (I threw her stool she wouldn’t stop climbing on at the door and broke the glass)
I’m so sad that I clearly struggled with ppd alone and thought all along I was just a bad person. My husband has a strong dislike of discussing mental health. He gets really uncomfortable and shuts down. He wants more kids- I feel pressure from everywhere to have more kids and I really don’t want to do all this again. How would I cope with the rage feelings again and care for 2 children? I only manage my toddler now by having cartoons on all day and I feel so guilty about it. I fantasize about slapping her and leaving her outside in the cold when she whines or hangs on me. At least I’ve stopped my screaming. I’m terrified she’s getting old enough to tell someone and they’ll take her away from me.

I am scared to take her on walks or drives because I’m afraid someone will jump me or break into the car at a red light and steal her and that she’ll be subjected to all these awful traumas and not the happy and peaceful childhood that she would have with us.

My son is 20 months old and I don’t like being around him. I’m worn out. I look forward to the days that he spends with his grandparents or when he goes to daycare. I spent a week away from him while holidaying with my siblings and I didn’t miss him at all. I feel horrible. I’m not supposed to feel like this. I want to speak to someone about it but I’m worried they’ll take him away from me.

My baby boy is 2 months old now and I love him so so much but lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to take care of him anymore like I already need a 2 week break . I feel like I’m getting lazy and careless when it comes to caring for him and I’m always passing him over to his grandma and my fiance hoping they’ll take him . My mother thinks I’m cruel but she’s not the one who has to be up all night with him alone most nights . It’s exhausting even when I manage to sleep a few hours during the day I just still don’t feel like caring for him . Some days I want him and love spending time with him but lately it’s been happening more and more that I just don’t want to maybe it’s postpartum depression? But I don’t feel depressed . I’m more concerned about my body right now and feeling better about myself. But I don’t want to feel like I’m a bad mom I’ve always wanted to be a mother but now that it’s actually happening it just feels harder than I imagined it to be . I have seen other situations of women who care for their children and I don’t get how they managed to get through it.

Feeling like I’m drowning and burnt out trying to take care of my daughter solo but my partner is a physician on the frontlines of the pandemic and can barely form sentences when he gets home because he is so burnt out. I know my struggle cannot compare but it doesn’t make mine not a struggle.

I love my daughter but it’s getting emotionally difficult. Ever since she was born she preferred my husband and even now she does too. It’s hard for me to keep a daily schedule and plan fun things when she wants to be with her dad in the next room working from home. Even though I’m home with her all the time I feel like my role to raise her and nurture her is insignificant.

I work as a therapist and I would hear someone’s trauma and couldn’t help but picture my daughter in that situation. I’d have thoughts of her being sexually assaulted or molested as a child. I began to see every male as a sexual predator. Friends husbands, even her grandfather and brothers. I was paranoid about someone abusing my daughter.

I had these kids with hopes that my husband will always be there. Now I’m a single divorced mother. I’m stressed out and i hate myself. I thought the divorce would make things better but it only made things worse. Now i am all alone raising our children. I know they probably hate me for leaving their father but I couldn’t take the abuse any more, or could I. For them to have a 2 parent home I could’ve taken another punch, for helping with the kids I could’ve taken another slap. I feel so stupid.

Despite knowing it was normal and part of caring for my baby. Changing her nappy and cleaning her made me feel like I was inappropriately touching her and taking me back to my own childhood traumas.

Fearing that my baby would stop breathing in her sleep. I was very anxious and wake in the middle of the night several times to see if she is still breathing and always felt relief, thirty minutes later would get anxious again and the loop continued. Also, dropping my baby on stairs was always flashing whenever I was getting up and down the stairs.

I had bad post partum depression and anxiety after my baby. Being a stay at home mom and not being as active I put on weight. My so calls me fat, I’ve caught him texting another woman and he paid money to porn sites. I feel like I went through all this hardship of having our baby for nothing. I feel ugly and worthless. I don’t know what to do.