#speakthesecret
Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts
“This thread is amazing. Needs to be turned into a list and handed out to expecting moms by every ob/gyn. They tell women everything under the sun about what to expect for 9 months; why not this?!”
“I think it’s wonderful you’re making this list for new moms. It would have been reassuring for me to know I was ‘normal'”
“Scary Thoughts” is an expression used to encompass any and all categories of upsetting thinking that can interfere with the well-being of a new mother. Scary thoughts refer to negative, repetitive, unwanted and/or intrusive thoughts or images that can bombard you at any time (Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts by Kleiman & Wenzel, 2010). Scary thoughts are anxiety-driven, they are extremely COMMON, and most new mothers admit that have, at some time, imagined or worried about harm coming to their babies. The shame of having these thoughts can prevent women from speaking about them. In response to women telling us they feel isolated and ashamed of their thoughts, we asked women to share their scary thoughts in an attempt to help them express these distressing ruminations, so they can get relief and also help other mothers understand how universal this phenomenon is.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Thoughts of suicide are scary, but they are in a different category from anxiety-driven “scary thoughts” to which we refer on this page. If you are having thoughts of suicide, this should always be taken seriously and we urge you to find someone you trust and let them know how you are feeling.
The objective of our #speakthesecret campaign is to obliterate the stigma attached to scary thoughts which are so common in new motherhood.
Our page is an ongoing list of the thoughts that brave women have chosen to share in the hopes of helping women know they are not alone and that having scary thoughts is common during pregnancy and the postpartum period. We will add thoughts as they are submitted.
DISCLAIMER: This list is anonymous. We do not ask for any identifying information and therefore are unable to contact you. You can contact us at any time if you want to modify or delete your submission. We reserve the right to edit or not include a submission if, for any reason, we feel its content is unsuitable for this forum and are not able to respond to individual clinical or medical concerns. We may decide to create a meme from your words which may be (anonymously) posted on various social media platforms.
Please keep in mind that this forum is not a substitute for professional intervention and submitting your scary thought will NOT give you access to treatment. There is no follow-up after you post. If you are worried about the way you feel, we urge you to contact a support person and a qualified healthcare provider. If you need assistance locating a provider who can help you, please email us at support@postpartumstress.com.
My baby was going to die in the middle of the night and I was going to find her in her crib cold and lifeless.
As someone who was sexually abused as a young child, I am convinced that someone is going to molest my daughter no matter what I do/how I teach her to protect herself/how hard I try to protect her. I am honestly not sure though if I am more terrified by the thought of her being abused or the fear that she won’t feel like she can tell me, or anyone for that matter. There are times when it is unbearable and I feel convinced that it has already happened but she just doesn’t know how to tell me; I over analyze her new negative behaviors and convince myself that they are due to trauma, etc. I am now afraid that I am going to scar her with my own projection of these fears even though I am just trying to protect her and make sure she is ok. It’s like this sick ironic cosmic prank where any outcome is negative.
I’m 29 weeks pregnant I’m really scared about giving birth it freaks me out.
I have a huge fear that while I am at work and my daughters grandparents are looking after her, something terrible will happen like they crash the car or they collapse unconscious and my daughter is just left alone by herself scared, hungry and crying. I want to be with her all the time so I can keep her safe.
I’m terrified of death. Hearing all the horrible things that happen here, and being (currently) married to a narcissist who is psychologically abusive, and at one point sexually abusive, no family support, isolated from any and every one, and being socially awkward… it gets to me. Sexually abused as a kid. Raped as an adult. Narc mom, absentee dad. No close family. If I die, what will happen to them (kids)? If they die, how will I go on? <- this is the one that scares me. Having to live without my kids. I’ve already lost my first husband, I can’t lose my kids too. Most days I’m so angry and hurt that I lash out. I’m angry at my marriage and I resent my current husband immensely. Then I hate myself for lashing out at the kids, either being grumpy or just not available. I’m always distracting myself to not be around them because 2 minutes on any given day is just not enough. Mentally, I’m tired of every one. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I didn’t have kids, but also feel happy that they’re here. Maybe I should be a better mother instead of wishing for different kids. What a POS I am… I’m always afraid of my kids turning out to be pervs (I have all boys) or being abused by someone. Or hurting themselves while I’m busy doing something for someone else because let’s face it, I only have one set of eyes and multiple kids. Being everywhere and seeing everything and everyone at once is impossible. Sometimes I want to disappear. Not suicide, just not exist. Let them live like I was never even existent. Other times I want to hurt myself- just in case God doesn’t give a shit about My or my kids’ mental health cuz that’s what it fuccin feels like- as a form of punishment for being a shitty mom. For marrying the person I did. For just being. For being alive. And then hoping that one day I’ll eventually be forgiven or forgotten or just check or mentally. I’m fuccing tired, ladies. Really fuccin tired. I’m ready to give up and walk away- From everything and everyone. Being “strong” all the time has made me weak and sore.
How much damage we’re actually capable of doing to these incredibly fragile creatures. It’s scary to know that they would be helpless against us.What if I lose my shit one day? Like completely. Like snapped. And somehow end up hurting my kids. I’d kill myself. I’ve ptsd, ocd, and anxiety. Had a few bad breakdowns due to abuse. Husband says he stays home from work some days because he thinks maybe I can’t handle the kids (the irony!)Guess who’s coming to dinner? SELF DOUBT! I don’t even trust myself as a parent. Will I be able to be a single mom with no other adult supervision? Am I stable enough? Am I going to be an abusive parent and lost my sanity? Maybe I should stay in this shitty abusive marriage just to make sure my kids and I are only mildly abused and not totally abused or suicide(myself). What kinda sense does that even make!!!! It’s infuriating and frustrating to think that way. All I want is to be the mother I WANT to be. Not afraid of being a mother, or afraid of even being alive. Thinking. Feeling. The numbness is sickening.
I can’t sleep at night because I keep thinking someone will break into my house, take my baby and I will find them in my kitchen about to kill my baby.
Every time I get in my car (even without my baby) I have to double check to see if the car seat if empty or full as I am so worried I have forgotten my child and I’ll find him dead in his seat and it will be all my fault.
I think there are spirits/ghosts in my house that are trying to steal my baby from me and hurt me.
I was holding my son while throwing laundry down the stairs into the basement and envisioned throwing him too. It was so scary and I cried alone to myself.
Sometimes I hate my child because he doesn’t sleep. It’s been two years of chronic sleep deprivation and I don’t want to be here anymore. Nobody believes how bad it is and the support and sympathy waned a long time ago. I don’t know how to make it better but I resent motherhood and my child sometimes because I’m so tired. There’s no end in sight and I’m just so tired.
I so badly wanted to tell my care providers that I had scary thoughts about harming my baby… But I suffered in silence because I was terrified that they’d report me, and my baby would be taken from me. When you ask how I’m adjusting to motherhood, do you REALLY want to know or is this entrapment?
I love my kids but at least once a day under my breath I say “I effing hate kids”, and mean it. So much tedious, back breaking work that you repeat endlessly. Trying to reframe my thoughts that “hard is not the same thing as bad”…
♥ THANK YOU ♥
to all the brave women who continue to disclose their scary thoughts.
Together, we will educate many and help reduce the anxiety and stigma. #speakthesecret