Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I squeezed my baby close to me and rocked her so hard out of frustration. After I was afraid I gave her SBS. Thankfully she is fine. I have NO INTENTION of ever hurting her, but my sleep deprivation gets the worst of me. 🙁

I’m scared of tripping on the stairs while walking up or down and falling on top of him and crushing him. I’m also scared that if I leave him on the couch someone will sit on him and crush him without realizing it.

What if I’m a monster cause I was molested and i I hurt my baby like my abusers did me. What if my intrusive thoughts about molestation are really my own thoughts.

I always thing something bad is gonna happen to my baby I know it’s the devil but the thoughts are constant given that I have OCD it doesn’t make things easy , at night I fear someone will break in and steal my baby so I spent a lot of nights being awake we live in unsafe place where everyday we read about a baby being stolen or missing so my thoughts aren’t completely made up it helps a lot when someone else is in the room with us people say am crazy to have these thoughts the more I beat my self about the the more really the thought becomes I didn’t know it’s common I thought I was all alone if you are out there know that you are not alone.

When do these scary thoughts end?! She’s now 13 months and they still come screaming into my thoughts. I’ll be watching the TV happily and then BANG.. she falls into a freezing river with me standing helplessly, stupidly on the riverbank frozen to the spot and she dies. I can see her panic stricken face staring at me, it’s so clear it makes my heart race and I feel sick…. when does it stop.

I wake up in the middle of the night still sleeping and I grab my 3 month old and start patting her on the back as if she’s choking but in reality she would sleeping and I would wake her up, I don’t know what I’m doing my partner is the one who has to shake me and yell to wake me up to ask me what am I doing to our daughter. Our daughter would be crying and when I realize what I did I would start crying to I think I’m going crazy. I don’t want to keep waking my daughter out of her sleep.

Every time i go out without my daughter and I hear a crying baby I want to grab them a sooth someone else baby. I also want to hurry up and go back to my daughter to make sure she’s ok.

I often think about what it would be like if I just left, like pack some clothes and never come home. I’ve also had thoughts about what life would be like if we didn’t have her anymore, like she just didn’t exist or someone else had her. I’ve had worries about her being kidnapped from me while in parking lots.

I had PND and PTSD with my first child but not with my second. Because of this I worry that I love my second child more because I feel we have “bonded” better.

He’s already one but he won’t sleep through the night and he still needs night feed. He’s hungry and he has aversion to milk. He doesn’t want to drink but he’s hungry; he cries Becoz he’s hungry but he pushes the bottle away. I just want a good night sleep, maybe longer than 4 hours? For once ? I want to throw him down the stairs , or out the window , I really do

I’m a first time (pandemic) mom. My baby was born March 2020, at the height of covid and during the initial lockdown. I was terrified the whole time I was at the hospital of myself, the baby or her father getting covid and dying. I remember thinking I hoped the birth would be quick. It was not. I remember I thought I would be excited to hold her for the first time. I was not. I remember I thought I would fall in love with her upon meeting her. I did not. I felt, nothing. I felt like I wanted to get up, leave the hospital without her and go home to see my dog.
As she got older, I would avoid stairs. I was sure I was going to drop her down them or my ankles would give out, we would tumble, and she would surely die. Every night I was convinced she wasn’t breathing and would secretly lay awake while her dad slept and checked on her obsessively. I resented every time someone would tell me she looked like her dad. I hated that I worked so hard to create and birth her, only to not see myself reflected in her face. My newest intrusive thought revolves around water and her drowning. I can see her slipping from my arms, or getting out of her stroller and falling into water, struggling, and drowning as I stare-frozen in helplessness. We don’t live near any water…why am I thinking this? Why would I just stand and watch her die? Why is my brain like this? Why do all the other moms seem happy and love motherhood? Meanwhile, I’m stuck in these horrific scenes on repeat. Why can’t I find anyone else who experiences this…I am so alone in my postpartum journey.

What if I just ran away. Just to sit and breath in the fresh air in silence. I can’t remember how it feels to just be me- not mum or wife or my job role or home keeper. I don’t even know who I am anymore as a person other than a ‘role’. Then I look at her face and feel so guilty for even thinking that, she’s just wants me to be mum.