Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I’m scared i will die in a car crash and not be able to raise my babies

The day that I read about Kate Spade’s suicide was monumental. I’m a huge fan of her brand – I own her purses, jewelry, wallet, everything. I, as a mom, remember thinking, how could a mom ever possibly commit suicide. What an absolutely selfish thing to do. I could not even fathom the possibility of committing suicide as a parent, because to me, being a parent meant everything. It meant giving your life to this tiny human being, and the joy it gave me meant such a big piece of my identity.
But then I had my second baby, during a pandemic, and postpartum depression hit hard. I vividly remember driving my oldest to daycare and thinking, what if I didn’t turn right, but I just kept driving straight into the grass and off into this creek? What would happen? Would I live, be injured, die? Just wondering. Maybe if I died, I wouldn’t have to live with the overwhelming dread of caring for two tiny humans….that sounds nice.
I remember feeling the relief of thinking about what a week of unconsciousness in the hospital would feel like, or even death. I remember in this moment thinking, ah, I understand now why moms commit suicide. The dark, scary thoughts were so overwhelming, and I thought, if this is all I could think about for a long period of time, I get it. This is terrible. Feeling like a prisoner of your own brain with thoughts that you know aren’t true, but you’re forced to believe, is like torture and you just want relief no matter what the outcome.
This is the day i started thinking about suicide a lot. Not about the actual act, but moreso checking in with myself to see if suicide was something that i wanted. Luckily, it never came to the point that it was something I wanted to act on. But it was something that I thought about, a lot.
This was also the time where I learned that “suicidal thoughts” exist on a spectrum. Suicidal thoughts don’t necessarily mean you want to die, but it’s still serious.

I feel extremely protective of my 2 yr old Son. The thought of him growing up so fast and facing the “real” world, where he’s not the priority overwhelms me. I’m scared to think about all the bad that could happen to him and how helpless I would feel. If I read (or watch) anything about children being harmed, It makes me anxious. Watching him grow and knowing that soon I’ll not be the only world he knows, it’s mixed emotions. I’ve started missing him already.

I’m pregnant with my second child. And I’m relieved because instead of 100% of bad things happening to my son, 50% of them could happen to this child which takes the burden off of him. Why do I think this way?

Everything I read online is about first time moms, making me feel even more isolated and alone in these thoughts. But as a second time mom, scary thoughts and fears weren’t new to me when it came to caring for my newborn baby. So when I lay awake at night staring at the baby I was supposed to love so much, checking to see if she was still breathing, worried that she would suffocate in her sleep, I let myself feel these fears knowing that it was just that, a fear. But what came next I didn’t anticipate. I remember having this fear with my first baby, and feeling deep despair, sadness, at the mere thought of my baby dying in their sleep. But this time around I didn’t feel sadness, despair, or pain, I felt relief. The thought of my baby suddenly dying in her sleep at night didn’t devastate me, but instead gave me a sense of relief. Relief, the feeling of relaxation after relieving yourself of anxiety or stress. This was the moment I knew I wasn’t OK.

At first it was little things like waking down the stairs. I felt like I would accidentally drop her. Or if I left the house someone would try to kidnap me and her. Sometimes even sitting in the car I would imagine a scenario where a mad holding a gun at me and I was trying to save my baby. I didint want anyone to watch her . I was scared of her having sids and dying while I was asleep because of something I did or in general. I feel like if I say something bad or think god would let my baby die and take her back.
It even got to the point where I thought every man was untrustworthy even my own bf. I was afraid if I left her alone with Any man even him that he would rape her or hurt her. My bf has never given me a reason to suspect he do that I just keep hearing about sexual assault everywhere and babie being killed because of it and if I can prevent it then I need too. But that mean I don’t let him do anything. When she asleep I have a moment of peace because all she does is cry even after I feed her and change her and burp her. I feel worthless like she loves my grandma and her grandma more so that’s why she good with them but with me she cries and cries. I hate thinking how badly I want to choke her or punch her in the face so she can shut up and I can finally just sleep.I don’t understand how I could even think taht because I love her so much and need her but this anger in me won’t let me just be at peace.
I’m scared when she make her little scared noises while she sleeps that it’s a demon attacking her and trying to take my baby. I’m so scared that god have such a blessing and if I mess up any way or think any way that not godly he will take her from me and make me suffer. Why won’t any of this stop.

Anytime I have a minor ache or pain I become terrified that something horrible is happening to me. I become overwhelmed with fear that I’ll inevitably die leaving my children to grow up without their mom.

I am dealing with this now. Scared my fears will come true bc i thought it and bc i did it will make it happen. I couldn’t prepare meat without all bottles out of the kitchen. Constant fear of her stopping breathing. Fear of her getting sick. Fear of food hurting her. Fear of her being in the car. Fear i will some how lose her. When she was smaller i wouldn’t eat and hold her bc i feared food would fall out of my mouth and into hers and choke her. Fear of being alone with her bc if something happened to me she would be alone in the house while im dead on the floor. Like the list goes on and on

I am afraid about weight gain in pregnancy and about the matter that will my husband avoid me after pregnancy due to weight gain and because of that I don’t feel attached or love for my baby. I am 5 months pregnant now..

That anything and everything horrible will happen to my baby. I’ve thought about the worst possible things… from breaking his head open to child molestation. He’s not safe with anyone. I’m mentally exhausted. I try to be positive. Anxiety is the norm.

I am 3 months post partum. A first few nights I had visions her dad would take her from me when he would want to just hold her in his arms, visions of him molesting her, thoughts about me suffocating her while she’s sleeping with her blankets, scared of me waking up and her not waking up again. I often think if her dad hold her too much or try to bond with her she wouldn’t care for me anymore. My son is 9 now and when he was a baby I thought about letting a car hit both of us while crossing the street. (This was a time when the father and I was in courts for custody and child support)

It’s hard to to work, study, not being able to rest well and taking care of your child all at the same time. Sometimes I just wanna give up and go running, but I can’t because of my son. I want him to have a bright future and for him to have everything I didn’t have, but sometimes I feel like I can’t give one more step and I just wanna give everything up. I have to be strong and sometimes in order to do that I just have to pull my hair or something and have a breakdown in order for me to gain strength and yes that sounds dramatic, but what else I’m suppose to do. I just hope I’m enough for my son and for when his older he can see all the hard work Im doing and done for him.