Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I can’t think of anyone who would want to hear about my depression. Even if they are direct in some woke way of being personal, “how is your mental health right now?” It feels so incredibly insulting. As if this person is ready to hear about the thoughts of killing my son, myself, and the agony of never wanting what I created. The escapes I’ve planned, the misery I awake everyday only to slide right back into formation of keeping myself in check so my children have a normal life. No, you are not ready to hear that. Personally I can’t think of anything more dramatic than to expect an honest answer when the person you have asked is also obviously suffering. And what might happen to our friendship once they would know? How could they handle any of this? I can’t and I’m living it. I wouldn’t ever hear from people again even when I would lightly mention , “I had postpartum depression with my 3rd.”

My son was born in the winter and when he was crying I was afraid I would put him outside in the cold and leave him there until he froze to death. Several times I was afraid to approach the edge of our balcony for fear I might throw him off. One time I thought about what would happen if I walked in front of an oncoming train with him in my arms. I love my son more than anything in the universe and would never do these things, but they absolutely terrify me.

I’m scared that the world is falling apart and that my sons future is uncertain because of social collapse, war, or climate disaster.

While going for a walk and crossing a small waking bridge , my baby started wailing uncontrollably, I imagined throwing him into the water. I just jogged passed the bridge and hated myself for thinking like that. I’ve had such horrible thoughts when he cries. Is this postpartum depression? Or am I just a horrible mother. I love my child to death and I would go to any lengths to protect him , but what if I’m the one harming him ?

I live in an area with moderate to high crime. Every time I hear news stories of murders and shootings, I get worried that something bad might happen to my 5 month old or my husband, who I need to be safe to take care of my son. I am drowning in anxiety that I am worried that I am attracting negative attention. I am worried about SIDS and almost everything. I have sleepless nights and nights where I cry myself to sleep.

I had no connection to my baby at all during pregnancy. I ended up being induced three weeks early due to preeclampsia and had a semi – emergency C-section. I was on magnesium for two days after she was born and felt no connection to her. When I came off of the medication, all of the emotions finally hit me and I was overwhelmed with love and also guilt for ever doubting I could love her. I ended up having to be rushed to the emergency room in an ambulance the day after being released because my blood pressure went up to 190 and I was completely convinced I was going to die and leave my baby motherless. I have felt that I am meant to die since then. Now I’ve also begun irrationally fearing her growing up. I keep checking her mouth to see if she’s getting teeth because that somehow signifies to me an end to her being a baby. I am convinced that when she gets older she is going to hate me and think I’m an embarrassment and that I will never be good enough for her. I have also been terrified of SIDS. I had a family friend who lost their child to SIDS and I calculated exactly how many days old the baby was when he passed away. The day my daughter turned that age I was obsessively watching her, terrified that she too would die when she was that many days old. I feel like the anxiety has gotten worse recently. At first I thought it was normal to feel this way but I confided in my friend and she looked at me like I had two heads and suggested I seek help. Now I feel guilty because I thought that I had escaped PP issues and I am embarrassed to admit to anyone else I am having trouble because my baby is almost five months old and people won’t take me seriously.

That I had ruined my life forever and just wanted to run away from my husband and my baby.

I’m terrified my baby will scratch her eyes out at night if her mittens fall off.

In my lifetime I have watched a lot of TV shows that involved real life instances where children or babies were hurt or killed. Randomly I would start thinking about something I have seen or heard about and I would picture that happening to my baby. I also was terrified of leaving my baby alone with his father because in my mind I didn’t feel like he would be able to handle it if he started crying and even though I knew he would never hurt him I couldn’t get those thoughts out of my head.. Until stumbling upon this website I thought I was the only one. I thought I was sick in the head and something was seriously wrong. So thankful to find this!!

I have had extreme paranoia and daunting thoughts while pregnant and even now ( child 2 years old) that I would lose my child to leukemia. Recently my son had a fever for 48 hours with no other symptoms and the next day he looked a little pale and tired. Even though he was still playing normal and that maybe he was tired from being sick, I still am so scared I am going to get the horrible diagnosis. I am a big believer in manifesting your thoughts and I’m terrified that I am going to make this a reality and I just can’t seem to switch my thinking. Has anyone ever experienced this? I don’t see anything on here that comes close to my thoughts.

Thoughts of coming out to my car on lunch break and realizing I accidentally forgot to drop my son off at day care and he died in the hot car all alone.

I worry my baby can tell that I am not alright and that I’m going to ruin her life. I thought that I would experience joy and bond with her when she was born but I didn’t. I feel like she deserves better. On my worst days, I truly believe that she and my husband would be better off if I left them. On my best days, I think she has moments of cuteness and I can feel a small part of me come alive again. But the best days are few and far between. I get so much anxiety that she’ll cry at night and I won’t hear her or I’ll hear her and help but won’t be able to get back to sleep. I’ve had disappointment after disappointment with my pregnancy, delivery and postpartum period and I feel like my misery will never end. I find myself regretting having a baby but also realizing there’s no going back so I sit in this place of sadness. I feel like I’ve failed myself and my family.