Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

After my 4th child came, I thought how much easier it would be to walk upstairs and pick up the gun that was in my husbands drawer than to make it through the day caring for 4 under 6. I knew I needed help. Help was hard to find when not that many people understood what I did all day and night. I knew I needed help. I now have 6 and am doing well. I still seek help and am constantly finding a balance and working towards a healthy mind and body

I yelled at my kids one day and then told a friend I had “lost it” with them. She asked if anyone was hurt, which surprised me because I don’t use corporal punishment. After that, I pictured myself hitting them with a hammer and them being badly hurt and unconscious. These thoughts became intrusive for a while and were scary because I would never hurt them.

I feel completely inadequate as a mother when baby doesn’t feed properly, doesn’t sleep and basically needs holding 24/7. I feel like I’m a single mum, but I’m married! I feel like I’m going utterly batshit crazy and sometimes I think I never should have had this baby or give her up for adoption…

I find myself daydreaming about getting so horribly hurt or sick that I would end up in the hospital… so that I could get some sleep & have time away from my daughter without feeling guilty.

I was desperate to breastfeed because I thought it was the only reason my husband and daughter needed me around. He adored her from the second he saw her and I just did not feel that overwhelming, warm, glowy love that everyone told me I would experience. It just wasn’t there for me, but it was there for him. They bonded immediately. He was an active and involved parent which, while wonderful, made me feel useless. Like I couldn’t handle mothering my own child, so her father had to step in. He was so calm with her all the time, and I got so anxious and frazzled…clearly he was the better parent. Clearly he was the one suited for this. They didn’t need me. I could disappear, run away, or die and they would be just fine. The ONLY thing that kept me around was breastfeeding, because I was also convinced that formula would ruin my daughter. She’s a year old now, and I still feel like he’s a better parent, and she’s bonded more with him than with me. It’s a terrible feeling, and makes me struggle to find my worth and value in our family regularly.

I thought/daydreamed about how well rested and free I was before baby was born. How happy my husband and I were- not that we’re not over the moon in love- but sleep deprivation and taking care of a baby changes everything…

I was hospitalized for PPD and acute anxiety in 2015. It started with feeling like I wasn’t a good mom, that I was going to fail my son, then I was obsessing over making a mistake – falling down the stairs with him, dropping the carseat while carrying it up the stairs. I NEVER knew this was so common. No one, not my ob/gyn, not the nurses at the hospital, NO ONE gave me any education on this. Had I known what I was going through I would have gotten help sooner. I talked to my husband and mom and they kept saying “nonsense, you’re a good mom.” I finally got help when I imagined myself drowning my son. I couldn’t give him a bath because I was afraid I would drown him. After hospitalization, therapy, medication, and education, I have learned what I need to do to take care of myself.

My baby is 8 months old and I still have intrusive thoughts of dropping him on the floor and seeing his little skull crack open with blood everywhere. Another one is me falling down the stairs while carrying him and landing on top of him, crushing him to death. I constantly worry I will scald his mouth and throat with his food even though I serve it to him at room temperature. I picture myself accidentally breaking his little neck while changing him. I have been on meds since before he was born since I have ptsd and both my doctor and I were concerned with me getting ppd. I can’t imagine how is be without the meds.

I was sure that there was a man watching our house waiting for the time to break in and take my daughter. When I was up in the middle of the night with her I would avoid turning on too many lights because I didn’t want him to see us. I would go through the steps of getting my husbands gun out to protect us when this man broke in. I knew it wasn’t normal but I knew it was going to happen, just not sure when.

My 22 month baby is a late walker. He walked at 21 month old. but he is a happy, affectionate, bright baby. he can say a lot of words and ask for things. But I’m constantly scared that he is going to fall behind other milestones and develop severe autism.

Sleep deprived and angry because all i wanted was my baby to sleep i imagined myself hurting him, whether it be throwing him on the ground or punching him in face because i was so mad he wanted to be held/nursed.

When my daughter was a newborn, her cries overwhelmed me so much after trying so hard to get her to stop, I wanted to slap her or shake her. I yelled at her once, set her down, and cried in my bedroom. I was so tired from getting almost no sleep, angry because she didn’t stop crying, sad that I was acting like someone I knew I wasnt, but happy I had my gorgeous baby ..I was so confused. Who do I talk to without being judged?! I know I’m not a horrible mother, I just need help calming my baby down…. fast forward to 6 months. I’ve learned to breathe and put her down. They’re ok if they cry. Control yourself first, babies pick up if your tense.