Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I can’t have or do it all. Some day’s I don’t want to get up, some days I don’t want to be a care taker , somedays I want to be alone all day and stay in bed, but then I feel like a bad mother and I know I don’t deserve alone time, or a meal cooked by someone else.

When ever my children has been in someone else’s care like day nursery I change their nappies straight the way when I pick them up to make sure they haven’t been sexually abused. I’m so scared when other people are in control of my children. I don’t trust anyone except their dad and then I have scary thoughts that maybe I shouldn’t trust him. Even though I know there’s no way that he would do anything like that, I’m scared that I don’t know him. You hear all the time that the mother never knew.

I felt that no one wanted me or my baby around. I fantasized about taking him and running away where no one would find us or where we wouldn’t be a burden. He cried constantly, I tried to breast feed but couldn’t produce enough milk and he was not thriving. I switched to formula and the change was like night and day. He slept like he should have and didn’t scream because he was hungry. I was hit worse with my second child but a wonderful nurse saw I was struggling while I was still in the hospital. I had to stay longer because of a Csection. She got with my OB/GYN the next morning and I was on meds and offered counseling. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you need meds, take them. Don’t let people tell you it’s all in your head or you will get over it. I spent 2+ years the first time trying to “get over it.”

I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I can’t do anything now. I think I’m a bad mother. People in my house aren’t very as supportive of my breastfeeding journey. Everyone thinks I’m feeding the baby because I want to keep the baby with my self. I can’t bear the negativity around me. I don’t like my living arrangement. I don’t want to be bullied.i feel like I’m in a prison. I want my previous life my back. Sometimes I feel I had this baby because I wanted to prove I’m fertile! I hate myself for feeling like this. I don’t look forward to my baby waking up in the morning. I hate myself because of this. I feel very overwhelmed with anxiety whenever she is awake. Is she eating enough? I don’t know how to get chores done with her around. If I don’t get chores done people think I’m lazy. My baby is 15 months. I’ve to constantly supervise her. Being a stay at home isn’t very rewarding. There is constant chores and the demands of a toddler are so unbearable sometimes.

I know my baby will grow up very soon and I’m going to be hate myself for not enjoying her childhood.

I’m just not the pleasant, engaged, happy mother I wanted to be. I’m irritable, tired all the time, distracted and I don’t talk to the baby as much as I should. I don’t feel fit to patent my child and meet her demands. Feel very alone and Isolated.

Sometimes I can’t take the noise and the nagging i just want to lock them in their room with bread and water.

I love breastfeeding but some days when she wakes up i just dont want her to touch me and i feel like im trapped and i want to run and scream.

While pregnant, I struggled with urges to punch myself in the stomach or overdose on Plan B. When the baby started moving, I could only think “get it out get it out.” As she grew bigger, I felt she grew more important, and I shrank into nothingness. I worried I would cease to exist. When she was born, all I could think was that I’d made a horrible mistake thinking I could ever be a mother. I stopped sleeping entirely. I could never settle down. I worried about apocalyptic events, the water being poisoned, and I had intrusive thoughts like short “movies” playing out in my mind of hurting my baby. They were so vivid that I began to think they were inevitable – that I was going to hurt my baby. My mom finally took me to the ER, and I was admitted to the psychiatric unit for 5 days. That’s how long it took them to get me to sleep. Even from this darkest place, I found a way out — with help — a lot of help. I went from Googling “I regret becoming a mother” to feeling like being a mom has given my life meaning. I didn’t love her right away, but now I love my daughter more than I knew was possible.

On more than one occasion I had to pull over and check that I’d actually put my baby in her car seat (When she was forward facing)

In the first month of LO’s life, I was crying every other day. I was forced to give him donated breastmilk for 1 week in his 2nd week as the LC convinced us that it is better than the FM we were giving. We were so desperate that we just agreed to it even though we knew that the donated breastmilk was not properly screened and had no idea how long it has been kept. Until today, i am worried about the possibility of diseases being transmitted to LO thru those donated breastmilk and i hate that LC to the core.

On top of that, I was constantly worried about how clean the bottles, jaundice & even his belly button… the next 5 months was not much better as LO was always crying and needed to be held 24/7… he would also cry till he turned purple black until we pick him up… there was once when i was so frustrated with no rest, no proper meals, no me time, that i rocked him so hard that i almost fell on my bum… i was immediately filled with guilt and quickly put him down n left the room although he was still crying and wailing… i took deep breaths and went back into the room and apologised to him and tried to calm him down… I’m also worried about my LO not wanting me and doubted all those stories about motherly bonds with children as LO cries even louder whenever i hold him… i felt like i was a complete failure that my own flesh ‘n blood didn’t want me…