Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I’m stuck in a loop my parents are plotting to take my baby from me. My birth mother was unstable and took anger out on the kids, they never gave my husband a chance, and my Dad mentioned in passing that we shook our baby to burp him. I check over my shoulder for anyone paying attention to us in the grocery store. My fear is they’re right and I am an unfit mother.

I was so terrified as soon as he was born, a consistent thought for the first few days/weeks was that the only way to get sleep and heal was if “he wasn’t here.” I felt like a terrible mother and was sure I had made an awful mistake.

I thought I was unfit to be a mother and that by giving birth I ruined three lives; that of our daughter, my boyfriend and my own. (We are all very happy now!)

I knew that I wasn’t capable of being the mom my son deserved and thought he & my husband would be better off if I died and my husband found a good wife & mother.

I am terrified on the highway since my son was born. The fear developed overtime and I can no longer drive on the highway, let alone handle being a passenger. I thought it would not scare me so much if my son was not in the car but it doesn’t matter. Anytime I know I will be going on the highway I am in panic-mode all day. My husband does not understand the fear at all and says I make him anxious when he is driving.

I constantly have images of me hurting my baby. The images are so vivid and terrifying that sometimes I have to put my baby down and go to another room to cry, whenever this happens I feel that my whole body is on fire and I itch everywhere I end up turning red. I’ve tried to explain to my partner that I need help but he doesn’t get it… I just don’t feel like myself and I don’t know what to do or where to go because I fear I will be judge or worst I will lose my baby because of my poor mothering skills.

I had thoughts of running away. Suicidal thoughts. Driving off a cliff. These thoughts were repetitive. My stomach felt like it was in knots. I asked my husband “please put me out of my misery”. I wanted the “sinking, miserable feeling” and anger to end. I wanted to die. I had rage. I hated the world. I hated my husband. Everything seemed like it was a conspiracy.

My entire pregnancy and labor/delivery I just knew in my heart I was going to die during child birth and my daughter would grow up without a mom. 4 months pp I’m still here. I’ve never told anyone this before.

I’d always been an anxious person but that escalated when my son was born. I’d wanted to be pregnant for so long, having had breast cancer at a young age, but then when he was born the change of lifestyle was just so abrupt that I longed for my old life back. And that longing mixed with guilt at not immediately loving motherhood was a horrible cocktail of anxiety and unhappiness. My body was a mess, my life was a mess, my home was a mess, I couldn’t see my friends or leave the house without massive organisation. I fantasized about what I would be doing if I was back in my old life & this made me feel so guilty but also so sad at what I’d lost. Then I was super anxious about keeping him on a schedule. I obsessed over doing everything at a particular time every day. It was almost like my anxiety found a home in the compulsion of establishing a daily routine. As the routine became more entrenched in my life, the monotony of the routine started to break me down bit by bit. I couldn’t fathom a time where my life would ever be interesting & carefree again.
Now he’s 4 months old & definitely things are getting easier. I love him with all my heart & I now realise that what I felt was normal & expected as a new mom. We need to speak the secret thoughts we all hide. They don’t make us bad people, in fact they make us stronger. We are amazing, all moms are absolutely amazing.

After my son was born, I was afraid of him. Like sometimes I would look at him in the dark in the middle of the night and he would look back at me and I was positive that he was evil. It terrified me and I never told anyone about it.

I resent my baby for being so miserable and I fear my resentment will somehow manifest a terrible tragedy or that he will die or become disabled and it will be my fault . I fear he will be a challenging child too and it makes me want to just leave him. I feel like I don’t want my kids & im wrecking them by being so inept. I want to leave them every day.

With my first child, I was convinced that there would be a fire in the house while I was having sex, and that the baby would die in the fire. With my second, I was even more of a mess. I was convinced I was going to hurt him, to stab him to death or drop him on a hard floor. I put all my energy into maintaining a facade of happiness and normality while inside I was going crazy. Horrible times. I can’t even remember my second child’s babyhood now, I think I have blanked it out.