#speakthesecret
Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts
“This thread is amazing. Needs to be turned into a list and handed out to expecting moms by every ob/gyn. They tell women everything under the sun about what to expect for 9 months; why not this?!”
“I think it’s wonderful you’re making this list for new moms. It would have been reassuring for me to know I was ‘normal'”
“Scary Thoughts” is an expression used to encompass any and all categories of upsetting thinking that can interfere with the well-being of a new mother. Scary thoughts refer to negative, repetitive, unwanted and/or intrusive thoughts or images that can bombard you at any time (Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts by Kleiman & Wenzel, 2010). Scary thoughts are anxiety-driven, they are extremely COMMON, and most new mothers admit that have, at some time, imagined or worried about harm coming to their babies. The shame of having these thoughts can prevent women from speaking about them. In response to women telling us they feel isolated and ashamed of their thoughts, we asked women to share their scary thoughts in an attempt to help them express these distressing ruminations, so they can get relief and also help other mothers understand how universal this phenomenon is.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Thoughts of suicide are scary, but they are in a different category from anxiety-driven “scary thoughts” to which we refer on this page. If you are having thoughts of suicide, this should always be taken seriously and we urge you to find someone you trust and let them know how you are feeling.
The objective of our #speakthesecret campaign is to obliterate the stigma attached to scary thoughts which are so common in new motherhood.
Our page is an ongoing list of the thoughts that brave women have chosen to share in the hopes of helping women know they are not alone and that having scary thoughts is common during pregnancy and the postpartum period. We will add thoughts as they are submitted.
DISCLAIMER: This list is anonymous. We do not ask for any identifying information and therefore are unable to contact you. You can contact us at any time if you want to modify or delete your submission. We reserve the right to edit or not include a submission if, for any reason, we feel its content is unsuitable for this forum and are not able to respond to individual clinical or medical concerns. We may decide to create a meme from your words which may be (anonymously) posted on various social media platforms.
Please keep in mind that this forum is not a substitute for professional intervention and submitting your scary thought will NOT give you access to treatment. There is no follow-up after you post. If you are worried about the way you feel, we urge you to contact a support person and a qualified healthcare provider. If you need assistance locating a provider who can help you, please email us at support@postpartumstress.com.
My baby was going to die in the middle of the night and I was going to find her in her crib cold and lifeless.
I was convinced that all the stress I’d experienced during pregnancy had caused brain-damage, and that, as a result, my beautiful, perfect infant would grow up to be a sociopath; alternatively I worried that my baby could sense my intense post partum anxiety and interpret it as ambivalence, causing her to disconnect from me and disrupt our bond.
I imagined someone putting my baby in the microwave. I also imagined her on an open field in the cold, abandoned. Then, I would cry.
I imagined throwing my baby out of the window, or down the stairs, or in front of a car.
I imagined bashing his head on the corners of furniture.
I imagined holding him under the water while I gave him a bath.
I imagined doing sexual acts with him.
It was absolutely horrendous. I was terrified that I was a complete monster – after all, what kind of a mother imagines harming her own child?
I also had “what if” thoughts: what if my husband and I die, who would look after him? where would he live? would his “new parents” love him? what if they smacked him? I ought to write out lists of what he likes to eat and drink and describe his favourite toys and games because if anything happens to me then no-one will know how to look after him.
What if we are in a car accident and the car is so damaged that they don’t realise that he is still alive in there because they can’t see him.
What if I’m in a storm or a flood and I’m not strong enough to hold onto him and I have to let him go?
What if armed men come into our house? – they would reach his bedroom first. I wouldn’t be able to save him.
What if I had to choose between the life of my husband or the life of my child?
I don’t watch the news anymore and don’t watch many films now because it’s too hard. I just can’t cope with the thoughts that come to me as a result.
A healthcare worker once said to me ‘i bet you cant remember your life without her now’ when my daughter was 3 weeks old and i thought yes… yes I can and it was much better than this. This is awful.
I used to seriously fear my daughter would die in the night and i would plan her funeral in my head obssessively. I wish i had sought help.
I had twins and used to frequently think that if I didn’t do exactly the same for each they’d develop some kind of attachment disorder.
At my very lowest I experienced intrusive thoughts that I’d walk in to find my babies dead in their cot. In my head I could see them blue and rigour mortised. It was horrific.
I’m scared that I’ll never even meet my baby following birth. I feel disconnected this pregnancy and it hasn’t been an enjoyable time. As punishment, I think, I feel like I’m going to die or she is and I’ll never know my baby.
I think sometimes that I am just not wired to be a mother. I wasn’t born with the nurturing instincts hat other women seem to have. My son is now one year old and my most vivid memories of our time together so far are the ones when I failed as a mother – when I was impatient, frustrated, or sad. I deal with an overwhelming amount of guilt everyday. Sometimes I think he would be better off with a different mommy. I am pregnant with our second and I am terrified of just screwing everything up a second time.
I’m scared to talk to a therapist about the thoughts/feelings I’ve had since having my son because I’m afraid that they’ll want to take him away and send me away too. In my frustration I have been rough with my son before (like when he wouldn’t take a bottle I would force it into his mouth or when he was crying a lot and not napping I would hold his pacifier in his mouth even though he didn’t want it) , and I’m scared that a professional will think I’m an abusive parent.
On the flip side I just want someone to confirm my belief that I’m a horrible mother and that I don’t deserve to have children. All I can think is “What kind of mother gets so frustrated with her own baby?”
I had postpartum for 14 months with my second child. I didn’t know what was wrong with me I had NO kind of Connection with my daughter and I was clueless to why. Giving birth is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. Every morning I woke up id instantly start to cry and scream at everybody and wanted nothing to do with my newborn I wanted to die I wanted to give my daughter up. I wasn’t able to take care of her if i wanted to. Postpartum is a real scary thing and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I honestly thought I wouldn’t survive it.
I used to wonder what would happen if I just dropped my baby and considered doing it just to see … I knew it would hurt her, so I didn’t do it but then I thought one day I’ll just let her fall. What was wrong with me I thought… I love her.
♥ THANK YOU ♥
to all the brave women who continue to disclose their scary thoughts.
Together, we will educate many and help reduce the anxiety and stigma. #speakthesecret