Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I worry of myself sexually abusing or harming I worry if I’ve not cleaned myself enough, after doing anything sexual with her dad or myself I worry about being clean enough to hold her, I’ve even told my partner that I’d give up all my parental rights to him as I don’t deserve her, I worry in case I’m too rough with her when I pick her up, or when she cries and me and her dad are having private time I feel awful, I really hate feeling this way and wouldn’t want anyone else to feel this way but I kinda hope someone understands this.

With my first child I would have a intrusive thought of snapping my daughter neck. I could vividly see it. The thought was so intense my hands would tingle. I was so afraid of my own mind. With support from my counseler, family and homeopathic dr I was able to combat my Postpartum Anxiety.

We have a walk in shower, so we’d bathe our little one with us in the shower. I was terrified to take a shower with her without my husband because the image of me accidentally dropping her on the tile floor was all too real. It got so bad, I could ‘hear’ the sound of her hitting the tile. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to. Telling my husband I was struggling helped me take a little ownership of my anxiety so I could begin coping with the anxiety & depression.

Had vivid sexual thoughts about my baby, could not even change his diaper…these thoughts would run over and over through my brain and make me physically sick. I was terrified to wake each day in fear of the thoughts I knew were coming. Sleep was the only time I felt peace! Terrified to get help due to not hearing of women having these types of thoughts, but I had to either get help or not be here anymore! I chose help. Thank God.

After my daughter was born, she went to the NICU. For months after we came home, I was constantly checking her to make sure she was breathing. I would have constant anxiety and thoughts that something terrible was going to happen to her. The cycle repeated fourteen months later when my son was born. I haven’t slept through the night in almost two years. It’s just now starting to get a little better.

I would have images and thoughts pop in my mind that my baby was going to get stabbed, other a knife would fall on her or maybe I would stab her with scissors. I didn’t want to hurt my baby, but couldn’t stop thinking about it and thinking why I was thinking about it. I hid all the knifes and scissors one day, that is also the day I talked to someone.

I prayed going in for my csection that something bad would happen and I’d die during it so no one had to put up with me and they wouldn’t be mad at me if I did commit suicide.

I had images and thoughts of throwing my three month old baby across the room and having him slam into the wall. I would see him slide down, lifeless and quiet. I wanted the quiet, but I did not understand how I could think of hurting my little one like that. It was terrifying. I wondered if I actually could or would act on these thoughts that I couldn’t control.

I put off purchasing life insurance because I thought it would give me permission to off myself…

My baby choked on his medicine. He wasn’t breathing right so we called 911. For a few minutes I thought he was going to die. Part of me was relieved he would no longer be in my life and I would no longer be a bad mom.

I didn’t plan to get pregnant with my daughter and even though she’s almost 14 months old I’m still coming to terms with it. Still!! I’m so lucky- great partner, financially stable, no infertility struggles when I know so many who have them. Yet, I still find myself wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten pregnant and romanticizing that “would be” life. It’s not fair to my family and I know that but I just feel like I’ve lost so much of myself the last few years. Sometimes I wish it hadn’t happened even though I love my daughter and I have a wonderful life. Then I feel like a terrible person.

My baby girl is 8 months old today. Since she was born I have had almost every thought described in this campaign. I have thought (and pictured it very vividly and graphically) that she’ll die in a million ways: in a car crash, fell from my balcony, killed by my neighbor’s dog, choked by any small object, drowned while bathing, kidnapped, caught a disease, or ran over by a car and a train, to name a few. It’s exhausting. I am constantly alert and constantly anxious. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night or I wake up at 3:00 am invaded by those thoughts and can’t go back to sleep again. It is hard to enjoy my beautiful healthy baby and my blessed life. I am driving my husband crazy because he can’t understand why I behave like this. I feel that I’ve become insane, I feel alone, I feel I’m doing a bad job as her mom and that she deserves so much better than me. It is pure torture. Does this ever go away? Am I going to be like this the rest of my life?