Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

We have a walk in shower, so we’d bathe our little one with us in the shower. I was terrified to take a shower with her without my husband because the image of me accidentally dropping her on the tile floor was all too real. It got so bad, I could ‘hear’ the sound of her hitting the tile. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to. Telling my husband I was struggling helped me take a little ownership of my anxiety so I could begin coping with the anxiety & depression.

Had vivid sexual thoughts about my baby, could not even change his diaper…these thoughts would run over and over through my brain and make me physically sick. I was terrified to wake each day in fear of the thoughts I knew were coming. Sleep was the only time I felt peace! Terrified to get help due to not hearing of women having these types of thoughts, but I had to either get help or not be here anymore! I chose help. Thank God.

After my daughter was born, she went to the NICU. For months after we came home, I was constantly checking her to make sure she was breathing. I would have constant anxiety and thoughts that something terrible was going to happen to her. The cycle repeated fourteen months later when my son was born. I haven’t slept through the night in almost two years. It’s just now starting to get a little better.

I would have images and thoughts pop in my mind that my baby was going to get stabbed, other a knife would fall on her or maybe I would stab her with scissors. I didn’t want to hurt my baby, but couldn’t stop thinking about it and thinking why I was thinking about it. I hid all the knifes and scissors one day, that is also the day I talked to someone.

I prayed going in for my csection that something bad would happen and I’d die during it so no one had to put up with me and they wouldn’t be mad at me if I did commit suicide.

I had images and thoughts of throwing my three month old baby across the room and having him slam into the wall. I would see him slide down, lifeless and quiet. I wanted the quiet, but I did not understand how I could think of hurting my little one like that. It was terrifying. I wondered if I actually could or would act on these thoughts that I couldn’t control.

I put off purchasing life insurance because I thought it would give me permission to off myself…

My baby choked on his medicine. He wasn’t breathing right so we called 911. For a few minutes I thought he was going to die. Part of me was relieved he would no longer be in my life and I would no longer be a bad mom.

I didn’t plan to get pregnant with my daughter and even though she’s almost 14 months old I’m still coming to terms with it. Still!! I’m so lucky- great partner, financially stable, no infertility struggles when I know so many who have them. Yet, I still find myself wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten pregnant and romanticizing that “would be” life. It’s not fair to my family and I know that but I just feel like I’ve lost so much of myself the last few years. Sometimes I wish it hadn’t happened even though I love my daughter and I have a wonderful life. Then I feel like a terrible person.

My baby girl is 8 months old today. Since she was born I have had almost every thought described in this campaign. I have thought (and pictured it very vividly and graphically) that she’ll die in a million ways: in a car crash, fell from my balcony, killed by my neighbor’s dog, choked by any small object, drowned while bathing, kidnapped, caught a disease, or ran over by a car and a train, to name a few. It’s exhausting. I am constantly alert and constantly anxious. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night or I wake up at 3:00 am invaded by those thoughts and can’t go back to sleep again. It is hard to enjoy my beautiful healthy baby and my blessed life. I am driving my husband crazy because he can’t understand why I behave like this. I feel that I’ve become insane, I feel alone, I feel I’m doing a bad job as her mom and that she deserves so much better than me. It is pure torture. Does this ever go away? Am I going to be like this the rest of my life?

I am anxious. There, I said it. I’ve never had an issue with anxiety and yet here I am totally consumed by anxiety. I hardly get any sleep as baby has some kind of sleep disorder (or it’s my fault he doesn’t sleep from responding too quickly or cosleeping and disturbing his sleep). My perfectionism is out of control, so much so that I’m unbearable around my 12yr old and partner. I feel so strung out and overly sensitive that I can hardly bear any stimulus at all and ask people to lower their voices. Total party pooper. I cook and clean up and research all day long in between walking, interacting with and tending baby. I feel totally unsupported physically and emotionally by my partner who I’ve driven crazy not doubt with my anxiety but who, honestly, doesn’t seem to ‘adult’ well and never (I’m actually not kidding) cooks.

I feel that I can’t speak about my ppd to anyone as I’m diagnosed with bipolar disorder and scared they’ll take my toddler away… So I’ve kept everything to myself for two and a half years.