Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

That I made a mistake in having a child. I miss my career and my freedom, a lot. I actually have days I regret having a child and feel awful. I obviously LOVE my son but I really miss my independence.

I was sexually abused as a child by two different people (both non family members), but I constantly fear leaving my son (now 2) with anyone, even my own husband, because I’m afraid someone will abuse him. I ask my son an excessive amount of questions after every time I need to leave him with someone else, trying to make out the details of his time with whichever person was watching him, because I literally can’t trust anyone. It’s horrible. I feel crazy. But I genuinely don’t trust anyone and sometimes foolishly believe that people can change on a whim. It didn’t help that my son is actually very “good looking”, I’m his mom so I’m biased, but others have told me as well and it bothers me.

We went away for the first time from our toddler for 4 days and it took everything in me to trust him in the care of my sister in law and mother in law. I was so afraid and cried my eyes out and even thought I wouldn’t go on the trip because at bedtime my son was asking for his home bed and I felt like a bad mom for leaving him in that crazy and messy house. I judged my sister in law and didn’t trust her because her own toddler broke his leg on their stairs and I feared she had too much on her plate to ensure the safety of my son. I feel like a horrible person for thinking that, especially of a co-mom. Anyways, things went really well and we were feeling so proud of our son and thankful for our family to watch him this one weekend, even though my mother in law made it seem like a huge burden on her. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and we got home and my mother in law casually says to me “I don’t know if you heard but we had everyone over at your house on Sunday for lunch and the afternoon”. I did not know. I almost stopped breathing. They all hungout in my house without asking our permission?! Their sick kids were touching ALL of my sons toys and invading my sacred space of my clean home without asking me? I would’ve given conditional permission of they asked, but no they did not ask and THEY BROKE MY SON’S VIOLIN that I specifically saved up my tips to buy him, and did not even tell me. I came home to a disorganized toy mess and found the bow and violin strewn about and out of their case – I cried and screamed. I am so angry. I can’t tell them though, how do I even tell them? But they violated my trust and invaded my sacred spaces with their assuming presence. I hate that I’m like this, I don’t know of its normal, but we are adults, you can’t touch all my stuff, I’m an adult now, I don’t have to share with you if I don’t want to our can’t trust you with something, that’s my right now and I don’t have a parent over my shoulder anymore forcing me to. How dare they use my space as their own, behind my back. It’s so upsetting because it ruined any good feelings we had about the weekend. Mom’s can we normalize respecting other moms boundaries, even if, especially if, they are more strict than your own?! Not everyone is comfortable with an anything goes lifestyle.

I am scared of not being enough for my new baby and for my family. I am scared of getting more tired with a new baby coming. With my girl I barely have time for me how would I find time for me now with 2 babies. I am so scared of not sleeping not being able to full fill all my family needs

I’m fearful I will hurt my 2year old. He just won’t go to bed at night. All I can think in my head is now I understand how parents can just snap and really hurt or kill their child. I feel my postnatal depression and rage will never leave me.

I breastfed and bedshared when I brought my daughter home. I would be up every hour nursing her, and could hardly sleep in between worrying about rolling on her, or her suffocating. As the weeks went on, I found myself thinking “well would it really be that bad? At least I’d get some sleep.”

Today I feel like I regret ever having a baby. I’m so tired, I feel gross, I can’t do any little tasks I used to be able to do with out interruption. I hate it.

I’m constantly scared of loosing my baby girl. I worry about her dying, I worry about me dying. I think this is because I LOVE her so much. Like I’ve never felt love like it. I question whether this is normal everyday. I check she’s breathing around 100 times a day!

When I had my son I was worried that his 2 year old sister was going to jump on him and crush his skull and kill him.

When I walk over the bridge with my two children that crosses a large highway, I imagine someone in front of me is going to run back and pick up my baby’s pram and throw it over the bridge into all the fast and heavy traffic.

Since I was molested by my father I am horrified that one day my daughter will be molested by my partner. I never let anyone change her diapers. Now that I have a son, I worry he thinks I’m molesting him when I change his diaper. It makes me feel disgusting.

I feel worthless when my daughter is overtired and screams instead of sleeping, and a scary part of my brain imagines slamming her down or dropping her in her crib or even biting her cheek.. that was a new one and I instead kissed her cheek until I calmed down… my random anger is sickening.