#speakthesecret
Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts
“This thread is amazing. Needs to be turned into a list and handed out to expecting moms by every ob/gyn. They tell women everything under the sun about what to expect for 9 months; why not this?!”
“I think it’s wonderful you’re making this list for new moms. It would have been reassuring for me to know I was ‘normal'”
“Scary Thoughts” is an expression used to encompass any and all categories of upsetting thinking that can interfere with the well-being of a new mother. Scary thoughts refer to negative, repetitive, unwanted and/or intrusive thoughts or images that can bombard you at any time (Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts by Kleiman & Wenzel, 2010). Scary thoughts are anxiety-driven, they are extremely COMMON, and most new mothers admit that have, at some time, imagined or worried about harm coming to their babies. The shame of having these thoughts can prevent women from speaking about them. In response to women telling us they feel isolated and ashamed of their thoughts, we asked women to share their scary thoughts in an attempt to help them express these distressing ruminations, so they can get relief and also help other mothers understand how universal this phenomenon is.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Thoughts of suicide are scary, but they are in a different category from anxiety-driven “scary thoughts” to which we refer on this page. If you are having thoughts of suicide, this should always be taken seriously and we urge you to find someone you trust and let them know how you are feeling.
The objective of our #speakthesecret campaign is to obliterate the stigma attached to scary thoughts which are so common in new motherhood.
Our page is an ongoing list of the thoughts that brave women have chosen to share in the hopes of helping women know they are not alone and that having scary thoughts is common during pregnancy and the postpartum period. We will add thoughts as they are submitted.
DISCLAIMER: This list is anonymous. We do not ask for any identifying information and therefore are unable to contact you. You can contact us at any time if you want to modify or delete your submission. We reserve the right to edit or not include a submission if, for any reason, we feel its content is unsuitable for this forum and are not able to respond to individual clinical or medical concerns. We may decide to create a meme from your words which may be (anonymously) posted on various social media platforms.
Please keep in mind that this forum is not a substitute for professional intervention and submitting your scary thought will NOT give you access to treatment. There is no follow-up after you post. If you are worried about the way you feel, we urge you to contact a support person and a qualified healthcare provider. If you need assistance locating a provider who can help you, please email us at support@postpartumstress.com.
My baby was going to die in the middle of the night and I was going to find her in her crib cold and lifeless.
I got fired from my job this week after one day back from maternity leave. Right now I was told by my fiancé that I live a very secluded life. I feel like I could die.
I thought I wouldn’t be a good mom and able to financially provide, so I thought of drinking bleach and leaving my husband and baby without me as a burden.
From the time i brought her home, it started with ” what if i dropped her on the hard floor” or what if i hit her head on the wall while leaving the room” what if i break her bones while changing her clothes. then they got worse. by the time of her two month checkup “vaccinations” were the devil to me. what if she died from her shots. when i would go to google they would always say that “vaccinations is what caused babies to have sids” and i would been so much in my head that i would think shes was going to die right then and there and i would have to watch her breathe for at least 10 days before i felt calm. then i started to have really bad intrusive thoughts. ” what if i push her ribs in” ” what if i drop her hard” ” what if i kill her” THE WORST FEELINGS EVER.
Every time I’m sitting near the coffee table with my baby, I imagine his head getting smashed by the table. I don’t envision doing it. Just the divistating injury.
I feel so much rage and anger towards my husband since having children that I fantasize about him dying young so I can marry someone better, guilt free.
Sometimes I think of throwing my baby from the second floor of our house down to the first floor. Splat.
I have watched many news items of men raping months old babies. I have a vivid imagination, and I graphically imagine it happening to my daughter. By far, that is the most awful thought I have. And now, I am so terrified of being out with her because men might see her, follow us home, attack us, and do the exact thing to her.
I wasn’t suicidal, but I had come to the conclusion that if I were to die, that would be okay. If my baby were to die, that would be okay. I was not okay.
I would be terrifed that I’d drop a pot of boiling water on my baby when moving the pot from stove to sink, even if she weren’t near me. The fear drove me to tears.
The day i found out I was pregnant I was so disappointed in myself. I thought of every option but having or keeping her. Then my fiance assured me everything would be okay. His mother my mother they all said it would be okay… No one listened to me. I have seizures I thought I would die. The further along in my pregnancy I got the better I felt about it. Until his mom told me she would have her son leave me and they would take the baby if I didn’t cook and clean her house. The more I spent time there the more depressed I got. 5 days before I gave birth it was my birthday, I didn’t get to celebrate it and we were kicked out by his mother. When we were at the hospital just about anything went wrong I had been leaking all day so I had to have a c section. His mother was there telling me what I was doing wrong and what I needed to do. When we were released and visited her she threatened me with dfs, all of which lead me to having ppd. I would never give my daughter up for anything or hurt her. But I think about running away often. And hiding and pulling out my hair. I love her so much now. After she was born I couldn’t look at her for days. I hated her father. And i hated the fact that nothing was my choice or even talked about. I had to go through a life changing experience that had the biggest toll on my mind and body and why? Cause he didn’t want to wear a condom. But it’s okay cause we’re getting married?
I convinced myself that my daughter, who was only 3 months, hated me.
I have this constant fear that I am going to violently kill my three children in my sleep. I dream it, I see visions of it, and I’m scared it will happen. It ends the same every time, we have a peaceful night then I go to sleep and wake up covered in blood.
♥ THANK YOU ♥
to all the brave women who continue to disclose their scary thoughts.
Together, we will educate many and help reduce the anxiety and stigma. #speakthesecret